Dr. Bong
Thanks: Mr. Swoon

Zack: This guy must have had a hellish life in grade school.

Dr. Thorpe: First of all, Dr. Bong is totally the name of your college roommate who ate all your Bugles. And then you'd come home and find him having sex with a really ugly hippie girl on your bed, and you'd say "what the fuck, Dr. Bong," and he'd go "dude, there was a tie on the door!" and you'd say "what the fuck is a tie on the door supposed to mean," and he'd say "dude!"

Zack: I think you would just be more upset to find out what kind of woman would actually sleep with a guy who has a hand bell for a head.

Dr. Thorpe: Yeah, especially one who wears a big brass truss.

Zack: It's slimming! It must be hell putting on those big floppy pirate boots when one of your hands is a gold bowling ball.

Dr. Thorpe: He should work in a motel. He could just sleep at the counter all day and when people came in and needed a room they could just grab he handle on his head and give him a good jingle.

Zack: Also, "Doctor" Bong? What college accredited this guy? What is his degree in?

Dr. Thorpe: Music.

Zack: Man a music degree and a focus on bells, twice as worthless in the job market.

Dr. Thorpe: Yeah, you can laugh all you want, but he didn't JUST play the bell, he played the triangle too, and sometimes even the cymbals. He was a fine orchestral percussionist.

Zack: His sidekick: "Wood Block, DDS"

Dr. Thorpe: You know, I don't really read comic books. But even so, I can tell when an artist just goes "fuck it." Or, I don't know, maybe someone else came up with Dr. Bong and the artist just had to draw him. So maybe the artist was just going "fuck you."

Zack: I'm sure later that week the artist created characters based on ever single item within ten yards of his desk.

Dr. Thorpe: Beware the maddening menace of LORD STAPLER

Zack: The Electric Pencil Sharpener

Dr. Thorpe: Overdue Utility Bill Man

Zack: The Inhuman Bathroom Key

Dr. Thorpe: He must have the power to make a deafening (or at least really annoying) ringing noise. Or the power to summon grocery clerks out of the break room.

Zack: Dr. Bong probably has some really unexpected superpower like he can turn into a gas or shoot rockets out of the trap door on his support garment. Maybe that spherical hand grants him the power to blend into solar system dioramas.

Dr. Thorpe: He also has the power to make teenagers giggle because his name is totally "Dr. Bong."

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About This Column

Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.

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