Dr. Thorpe: Hypothesis: Everyone's gonna pick Zep, cause Zep effing rocks.

Zack: The Kris Gillis sound is sort of a Brit rock/grunge fusion, sort of Oasis meets Alice in Chains. Really stoked about it. You can hear me play with my band, Donkey Nacho, at Borders next week. Acoustic only they said.

Dr. Thorpe: Personally I think they just said it had to be acoustic because they were afraid I'd rock a little too hard. Just look at me, dude. Look at this hair. Doesn't it look like, if you set me loose, I might rock too hard? Well let me tell you, bro, looks aren't always deceiving.

Zack: Okay, so, the purpose of this experiment was to help people, you know, relax and enjoy music. I think too much these days it's about the videos and not about the sound, so I just wanted to take the videos out of the equation here. That's the same reason why I play all of my sets behind an oriental changing screen. My lips? Oh, no, I just ate a whole box of grape popsicles.

Dr. Thorpe: I only need a couple of materials. I need a stool to sit on, I need my axe, and I need a pick. And I need my soul, dude, because that's where all the music flows out of. Check this out. Recognize these chords? Yeah, it's Wonderwall. You probably would have been able to tell if I sang the words. Wonderwall! You know, by Oasis. What? Come on, dude, they were huge, they were like the Beatles of the 90s. I can burn you a CD if you want.

Zack: Okay, now, check this one out. Sounds familiar, right? See, that's because it's "All Star" by Smashmouth and you were sucked in by their slick videos and their tie in to the movie Mystery Men. Marketing sells records these days, that's why I spend my money on makin' my own music.

Dr. Thorpe: No, I don't know "Walking On The Sun," I was only playing All Star to show you how they sucked. No, I don't know any Goo Goo Dolls either, you're missing my point!

Zack: Okay, new hypothesis, you like lame music, man. Procedure: getting ticked off at you. My conclusion is that I was right and you were wrong. Go ahead, write that down, man, because music is about being a rebel and that's how I'm gonna rock this science fair.

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About This Column

Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.

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