Hydrogen: King Artard's elite troops are known for their superior choreography and overwhelming suicidal tendencies.
Trillaphon: Somehow his enemies are even more suicidal. How the hell can anyone manage to die to a boulder that's moving at the speed of a geriatric Japanese tourist?
Hydrogen: It's great how this movie delivers so many amazing new hypothetical barbarian match-ups that haven't been covered in other movies, like "barbarian vs. plate glass window", "barbarian vs. entire LAPD precinct" and "barbarian vs. snooty butler". (Hint: the barbarian always wins.)
Trillaphon: How about "guy on horse vs. lack of ability to ride a horse" or "entire army vs. breakdancing boulders"?
Trillaphon: Or the much more disturbing "time-traveling wizard vs. men's fashion sales associate":
Hydrogen: Jesus fuck that is the most punchable human being in the history of the world.
Trillaphon: I'm pretty sure that performance somehow qualifies as a hate crime.
Hydrogen: On the plus side, Arklon trashing the place and threatening to disembowel him is very cathartic. Also using his magic laser pistol as a wind machine to conjure up some female nudity as an apology for the gross Tommy Wiseau impersonator the audience just had to endure.
Hydrogen: Really Arklon seems a little full of himself, but what can you expect from a guy with a shitty plastic knockoff Phantom of the Opera mask who likes to run around literally calling himself "Maximum Ruler".
Trillaphon: Dammit, I knew my business cards were missing something. If people knew I was a Maximum Ruler I could quit this shitty gig and retire to an island made entirely of money and naked women where no one ever watches or talks about shitty movies.
Hydrogen: Or, more likely, you'd be committed to a nuthouse somewhere like Ohio.
Trillaphon: Eh, either way.
Following America's defeat in World War 3, allied forces uncovered a number of experimental weapon prototypes in the hotel-compound of Trump's loyalist Space Force army. Had the war continued just a few more months, these secret weapons would have changed the course of the war.
Extremely proud over here! The bosses took notice and I have been promoted to 20 cages!!
Are there arrows in Tomb Raider? "No. Absolutely not."
Something Awful reviews the absolute worst movies out there. We focus mostly on horror and science fiction, because all writers here on Something Awful are huge nerds.