Overview: Terrorists storm a corporate building at night, taking a bunch of hostages and trying to force them to hand over their incredibly valuable computer virus. But they overlooked one man, who just happens to be a veteran police officer and starts dispatching them one by one...god dammit, is this another fucking Die Hard ripoff? Of course it is.
Directed By: Robert Lee, 1995
The Case For: Some of the special effects are actually pretty good for the era, although they couldn't afford enough of them so in a futuristic city full of flying cars, everyone just drives old '80s sedans around normal-looking buildings.
The Case Against: Last time we encountered Michael Dudikoff as an action lead, there was no action and no leading, so expect more of the same. Also, the characters spend a solid two-thirds of the movie listening talking about baseball and listening to a fake baseball game on the radio, just so the announcer can happen to yell "HERE'S THE PITCH" during one action sequence.
> WELCOME TO CYBERJACK, THE INTERACTIVE WEB 7.0 MOVIE EXPERIENCE OF TOMORROW.
> SELECT MAIN CHARACTER.
> YOU HAVE SELECTED: MICHAEL DUDIKOFF.
>PLEASE TRY AGAIN.
> NO. INVALID CHOICE. STOP PICKING MICHAEL DUDIKOFF. HE IS NOT AN ACTION HERO. HE BARELY QUALIFIES AS A SENTIENT BEING.
> ALRIGHT, GODDAMN IT, BUT WE BOTH HAVE TO LIVE WITH THIS.
> SELECT MAIN VILLAIN.
> YOU HAVE SELECTED: DIET RUTGER HAUER. SELECT COSTUME.
> YOU HAVE SELECTED: METH ADDICT.
> AUTOMATICALLY FILLING OUT CAST...CAST COMPLETE. PRIMARY ROMANTIC INTEREST SET TO “GEEKY WOMAN WHO CAN’T EVER SHUT UP ABOUT IMAGINARY BASEBALL TEAMS”.
> GO NEPTUNES, WHOEVER THE HELL THEY ARE!
> SHE TAKES A BREAK FROM SOUL-SUCKINGLY VACUOUS STATEMENTS ABOUT OUTFIELDING TO AWKWARDLY FLIRT WITH YOU. ENTER RESPONSE:
>> "Yippie ki yayoh heehaw, Mother Falcon."
>> "I’m Nick James, bitch!"
>> "Who wants American Ninja 4 DVDs? I’ve got a whole trunk full of ‘em!"
> EXCELLENT! SHE MAKES A FACE LIKE SHE CANNOT BELIEVE WHAT JUST CAME OUT OF YOUR BLEACHED, LIPLESS MOUTH. IF THIS WERE MY MOVIE HER HEAD WOULD EXPLODE LIKE AN EXTRA IN SCANNERS.
Following America's defeat in World War 3, allied forces uncovered a number of experimental weapon prototypes in the hotel-compound of Trump's loyalist Space Force army. Had the war continued just a few more months, these secret weapons would have changed the course of the war.
Extremely proud over here! The bosses took notice and I have been promoted to 20 cages!!
Are there arrows in Tomb Raider? "No. Absolutely not."
Something Awful reviews the absolute worst movies out there. We focus mostly on horror and science fiction, because all writers here on Something Awful are huge nerds.