Brother White

Remember Me Again? That's right, the really shitty movie we did just before this one. This is pretty much that exact same thing again, except this time the zany identity swap is white mega church pastor to poor black inner-city not-so mega church pastor, and Carl Winslow is in this one, so it's actually got someone who was sort of famous for a while like 30 years ago moving past a camera at some point. That's pretty much it though, otherwise it's practically the same goddamn movie all over again, right down to the insufferable smugness and shiteating mugging directly into the camera, and painfully stilted hijinks/totally unrelatable life lessons of one D.A.R. White & pals.

We mentioned that Brother White stars David A.R. White yet again, right? Yeah, we weren't kidding about that Rob Schneider thing. Really the main difference between this and Me Again is that instead of the kookie head-spinning slapstick nothing really happens except vaguely unsettling glibness and creepy outsider stereotyping.

Highlights include:

  • Hell no. We already told you nothing happens in this movie, and we meant it. Shitty generic "fish out of water" stories are usually at least supposed to have the occasional comical misunderstanding/cultural clash to move things along. This movie has David A.R. White hustling one of the locals at pool, just to prove how cool he is.

You should watch this movie if:

  • You are so retarded that you didn't get enough of this shit/didn't learn your lesson the first time around
  • You are C-list character actor Ray Wise, and you want to watch this as a painful reminder of the overwhelming shame and suffering to make sure you don't accept another gig in a shitty Christian movie
  • Jesus came into your dreams and told you that you could ascend directly to heaven (do not pass Purgatory, do not collect original sin) if you watched 1,000 Christian movies, and you've already watched every single other Christian movie on Netflix, YouTube, or bootleg VHS
The Freedom of Silence

It's the year 2030, and all of paranoid Christian hardliners' wet dreams worst nightmares about religious persecution have come true: bibles have been outlawed and are openly mocked and thrown in the trash where they belong, renegade street preachers and kids with butch but conservative hairdos sneak out after curfew to smuggle around verses from Corinthians instead of skanking and having Faygo balloon fights and getting curious about each other's penises. Our only hope for salvation is a pair of terrorist lunatics martyr hero McSaviors to rescue the day by hacking into the internet and bringing down that secular commie bastard Uncle Sam once and for all.

All of the ensuing action is of course hilarious, especially the parts involving cybercrime and technology of any kind, since the people who made this movie predictably know less about what computers look like or how to use them than 12th century leech farmers. Toss in a terrible romance subplot and lots of torture scenes to inspire sympathetic gritty resolve in your fundamentalist target audience, and you have yourself what is legally considered a moving picture in many states. Let's be honest, we're probably going to need a full review to do this one justice.

Highlights include:

  • The world's worst radical street preacher, whose incredibly confusing Bible-thumping message boils down to something about chocolate ice cream being the gastronomic equivalent of beating your wife:
  • Our heroes hacking their Jesus Galt speech onto every TV set, computer, phone, and toaster oven in America from their techno-fortress in the back of a moderately sized U-Stor-It locker

You should watch this movie if:

  • You believe that masturbation is a sin, except when it takes the form of a movie about your imaginary persecution complex
  • You prefer your ill-conceived romance dramas to be liberally peppered with people screaming and being tortured, you know, for contrast

– Garrett "Hydrogen" Neil and Sean "Trillaphon" Neil (@trillaphon)

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