This article is part of the Memos from Bear Cave series.

TO: Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.
DATE: February 12, 1979
SUBJECT: My Reputation With Houston-Area Strip Clubs

Apparently you idiots don't have enough work to do, because I have just been informed about a new rumor. According to one or more of you lying, mouth-breathing pinheads, I have been barred from all strip clubs in the Houston area. Let me state once and for all: this is not true. Yes, many strip clubs have my picture on the wall and my face is well known to many strip club proprietors and bouncers, but not because I am barred. There are many good reasons to be known to strip club proprietors, so don't instantly assume the worst. It makes you look stupid.

TO: Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.
DATE: February 12, 1979

Which one of you no-brained jackasses thought it would be a good idea to tell my new wife about my old wife??? Are you aware that I am trying to run this business and keep you all employed? Do you have any idea how difficult that is? If I can't do my job, you don't have a job. You have until the end of the day to smooth things over with both of my wives, or you're all fired.

TO: Employees of Bear Cave Soup Co.
DATE: February 12, 1979
SUBJECT: Let's Make '79 A Great Year!

I don't even know how this one got out, but a rumor is going around that I entered into a high-stakes bet with Burt Tallahassee from Royal Mariner. Well, I did. If Royal Mariner outperforms us, I have to murder one of you. If we outperform them, Burt has to murder one of his employees. I don't need to tell you how important it is we beat them.

If we don't succeed, you're all going to have blood on your hands. Work hard this year. Or else.

– Josh "Livestock" Boruff (@Livestock)

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About this series

Memos sent from Bear Cave Soup's eccentric president to his poor, beleaguered employees.

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