Marky Cooldude - The mists part with a flash of fire exploding. You see standing before you, resplendent in like a kimono, the coolest dude ever. He's buff, handsome and looks smart. His head is in the shape of a dollar sign, a clear indication of his godlike heritage. He is at an auction for some charity like kids with messed up crystals growing in their chests and all of the hottest women in the kingdom are bidding enormous sums of gold to win a date with him. Then one woman wins and you see she looks pretty evil but he has to go on the date with her because that was the deal he made with the charity.

Turns out this banging babe with evil eyes is actually a shape shifter and her true form is a silver goo ball. She shifts into another shape and you see it is this buff dude. Then this impostor like looks at the camera and winks and turns back into the woman. They go on a date to a guitar center and this guy shreds Through the Fire and Flames on a guitar like it is no big deal and then he goes to do ice skating and he is really good at that. The woman is like what a date dang let's go back to my place so they do and you see like that zoom out effect when people are going to do it in an old movie and then the door opens and the guy is walking out of the bedroom of her apartment. Only then it cuts and you see him dead on the bed. Dun dun dun. And then this shape shifter lady turned into the coolest dude decides to just stand around outside a shop with a couple other people.

1: [Step Back]

Climp Beastwood - A werewolf dressed all in black and wearing a cowboy hat stands in the desert squinting across mesas. His werewolf head is actually made of jet black crystal, marking him as having a godlike heritage. A black tiger stands at his side and you can sense there is a history to this tiger. As you approach the tiger you feel drawn into it and you reach out and see its history. Two godlike tiger men stand on a dying planet. They can only save one member of their races and for him to live they will have to disguise him as a tiger who is all stripes. They place him into an escape capsule and launch him into the sky as their dying planet begins to crumble around them.

A laughing figure watching this happen draws your attention to a half robot with one eye is robotic and the other eye is actually a black crystal, marking him as godlike. You are drawn into his past and you see that he is a watcher and he is looking into the past of another figure, who is sitting at a strange box and tapping away at a machine. Words appear as if by magic onto a screen. You see the word Twitter and the name Cliff Bleszinski. His head is clearly made out of mashed potatoes so he must be descended from the gods themselves. He types out on the screen "Too bad Ebert died and missed out on the first game that is clearly a work of art: this one, that you are playing right now." He turns and looks at the camera as you realize that you have been Roger Ebert's ghost all along. You find yourself drawn to a potion shop where you intend to stand uselessly for the rest of eternity. Pillars of Eternity, that is...

1: [Step Back]

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

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