War is hell and those who choose to fight it for us should be honored, not forgotten.There is an ill wind in the halls of power. A chorus of voices on the left demanding that we withdraw from the battlefield. Giving up on this fight might feel like the right thing, it might be the politically expedient thing to do after these long years of war, but we cannot abandon the cause now.
If we withdraw in the coming weeks, as many in Washington desire, we will undo all the good our brave heroes have done in the battle for our rights to party. We most honor those sacrifices made in the defense of our most sacred rights by continuing this long struggle for our way of life.
Since we first asked our men and women and uniform to "kick it" in 1987, they have sacrificed mightily for us. Over 10,000 lives have been lost in this long struggle in defense of our rights. And before the naysayers point out this was a war of our choosing, remember that we did not want to go to school. It was our mom who would not listen to us when we said we did not want to go.
We have asked our troops to bear the burden for us both physically and psychologically.Now, some on the left would like you to believe this is about missing two classes and not finishing our homework, but our teacher would have preached class like some kind of jerk with or without our actions. They would have us do nothing as the tyrants of this world - the moms and the teachers - would deny us our rights. Will we quit this fight now? Will we throw away all of these sacrifices by our troops and simply allow ourselves to be forced into non-smoking? Will we do nothing when our mom throws away our best porno mag?
It is our duty to wear the clothes that we desire and let our hair grow wildly on our heads. We must invite our friends over, pour Spanish fly into the punch regardless of the fact that it seems really creepy, and have all the soda and pie our moms would deny us. Because to not do so, to play chess and read books, is to give up on this great project called America. Surrendering our rights is the easy thing to do, but it is not brave and it is not wise.
Once our right to party has been relinquished, it will require a great deal of blood and treasure to win back. Think of those who have sacrificed now, who paid the ultimate price for my right and your right to party, and imagine a world without pie fights, without skanky girls dragging the nerd boys into the bathroom for kissy time, without the freedom to smash a TV with a sledge hammer.
No one denies this war has been costly, but it is a price we must pay.Is what I describe the sort of world you want your children to grow up in? I would never have been kissed by a girl in a leather mini-dress, let alone three, if it weren't for the brave men who sacrificed before me.
"What's that noise?" some moms may ask.
It is the sound of this great eagle called America soaring through the sky, to bigger and bolder parties, to so many cream pies being thrown that it would stir the hearts of the Founding Fathers. It is the sound of freedom, literal freedom, manifesting in our inalienable right to bust down a door, spit stolen beer in the face of dinguses, and steal miniature statues.
Now, more than ever, our partying rights are in jeopardy. We owe it those who have given up everything defending our rights to continue this costly struggle even if it means thousands more will die.
Before anyone brings up my draft deferrals, I had fallen arches and could do more good supporting this war from home than I ever could on a battlefield. We all must fight for our rights in the best way we know how, and mine was as a lobbyist for a petrochemical company that manufactures shirt starch and near beer.
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Guess what's back? Frosty tundras! And me.
Bonk: The Only Good Bonk Is A Head Bonk
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