Allow me to ask you a question. Maybe you will find it even more enlightening than this pointless interrogation.

Did you catch me or did you catch yourself in my trap?

Think about it. You followed my little trail of bread crumbs right to that hotel in Monaco. I see that look on your face. Did you think she was just another tourist? She was working for me and she told you exactly what I wanted.

You think I have been helpless? This is what I wanted. I needed you to bring me to your impenetrable headquarters. I needed you to lock me in this inescapable room. It was my design all along for you to place me in this room. I am not just a prisoner. I am your doom!

I knew this would happen, because I know how you good guys like to think. I knew exactly how you would react, and each of you has played your part brilliantly in my plan. I preyed upon your habits and used you like so many pawns. We are all pawns, the difference is that I control the hand as well. I am the hand. Of the pawn moving.

I knew you and the others would be in Shanghai. I left the gem so you would follow me to Madrid. Who do you think the one-armed Russian works for? I knew you would buy that cup of coffee in New York. I knew exactly when you would glance out the window of your super car and see my helicopter.

Think about it. Who gave you the file? Why were the fingerprints of a dead man on the gun? Who was helping Icarus?

It's too late! My plan is already in motion. I will tell you exactly what is about to happen. Do you think you can stop me? Not. One. Chance.

In a few seconds the lights will go out. There will be a sound from the other room. That will be the men I have infiltrated into your operation killing your guards. I have surgically implanted a machine gun into one of the other prisoners in this very prison. I believe this holding cell is directly over your central computer? I can tell by the expression on your face that I am right.

Isn't it your birthday today? I know everything about you. That's why there is a cake about to be delivered. But not a good cake. You'll see.

Yes, go ahead, tell your security experts to double patrols. Have them look out for anything suspicious. But there are twelve bombs placed in schools across the city. You can either talk to me or save those kids.

These shackles won't hold me. I knew you would shackle me to this chair. This room is as easy to escape as a baby's blanket.

I have guessed your every move and now it's all falling into...

What are you doing?

Why do you have that gun?

Put it down. Don't point it at my knees. You can't do that because you're a hero and my plan counts on rational...AHHH! You shot me! AHHH! You shot me again!

No matter...ha think you've won? I can still follow through on my...oh...feeling a bit woozy. You're just going to leave me tied to this chair? All the blood and...oh does that hurt.

It's okay...I...uh...knew you would do that...I knew exactly that you were going to shoot me in the knees. I, um, predicted it all along and...HEY! You can't put a plastic bag over my head! I have way more plan talking to do. Don't you want to know're the good guy! I need to breathe plan...aaaaaaahhhh!

If you are in need of more hands to relocate the pawns on this chessboard you can check Zack's Facebook page.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Pardon Our Dust

    Pardon Our Dust

    Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.



    Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind

Copyright ©2023 Jeffrey "of" YOSPOS & Something Awful