This article is part of the Roamin' Dad series.

HELLO!!!!!! you may not remember man's best friend but when you were very young we had a beautiful bulldog named B.R.E.T. or BRET for short. his name stood for Bulldog Rapidly Eats Trash because he would get into the trash and it it very quickly. this plundering pup had a bad habit though, he would steal things and chew on them or eat them. here is the list of things he stole throughout the years so if anyone asks you about it you can say you don't know:

1) Leg
We had dinner guests from down the road and one of them was our town's famous amputee lady "DEB" who took off her leg as a joke. her hubby ate a bunch of food and unbuckled his pants and said "Wow I'm Really Gaining The Weight Now. Guess I Shouldn't Have Gone Off My Diet" and his wife detached her leg below the knee and said "Me Too!" for some reason. but excuse me lady, food is not stored in the legs and even if it were that would just fill up your fake leg with your chewed up food i think???? Anyway she took it off and all the dinner guests laughed including me but my laugh was more because i was uncertain what was going on with this lady. fight or flight was kicking in

She was fanning the skin where her leg was gone with her hand because it was sweaty or sticky probably and Bret came in and grabbed it and ran off. i had to chase him around the house and eventually cornered him under the bed and told him he was a good boy. i petted him and stayed for 15 minutes or more with my face under the bed because i didn't want to go out there but eventually i did and gave the lady her chewed up leg back. she just left it and never came back but she probably had more at home

2) Hat
i'm no stranger to losing hats to natural forces or to mean men but i knew there was a big wedding that i was not invited to happening down at the park and it was a very gusty day, so Bret and i pretended to go for a walk in the park and waited down wind for some hats or decorations to blow away and we'd catch them and be the heroes. the plan was to say "Ah Here's The Bride's Flowers That Rolled Over Here To My Pup And I. Wow The Wedding Is Beautiful Do You Mind If We Watch" but that never happened because as soon as a man's hat rolled over to us bret grabbed it and we ran home together (Panic, Men Shouting) good hat

3) Man's Swimming Trunks
i don't know how this one started but i was outside and saw bret getting chased by a nude wet man and he had some swimming trunks in his dog mouth. bret barely fit through the doggy door (he was getting big) and the man was coming toward the house so i sprayed him with the garden hose a lot and he went "Aw Man" and took off. he never told me what he wanted or tried to talk to me to get the trunks back and i think it was because they were in pretty gross shape (i examined them when bret got tired of chewing them in front of the tv) after bret went to bed i picked them up with tongs and put them in the trash

I hope these tales jog your memory of the best friend i ever had "BRET" wow what a pup with a heart of gold. Great Dog BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


– Dad (@fart)

More Front Page News

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Pardon Our Dust

    Pardon Our Dust

    Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.



    Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind

Copyright ©2024 Jeffrey "of" YOSPOS & Something Awful