Submitted by Steven Virgin
Name: GRANNY FIENDISH
Role In Band: Vocals/official band chauffeur ('97 minivan with side airbags and child protection locks)
Blood Type: O Negative
Day Job: Substitute Teacher (English and Social Studies)
Likes: My perpetual mid-life crisis which lead me to joining this sham of a band with members who are younger than my own children.
Dislikes: Souxsie Sioux (that cunt stole my fucking gimmick!)
Favorite Bands: Grand Funk Railroad (before they became conformist sell-out pigs)
Age: Oi! Fuck off, wanker!
Role In Band: Th' fookin' guitar, innit?
Blood Type: *pumps fist, sneers*
Hobbies: Getting right pissed and having a bit of a laugh with me mates.
Likes: Your mobile, mate.
Dislikes: Pakis, Chavs, Cambridge Utd F.
Favorite Bands: *smashes you across the jaw with a bottle and steals your mobile*
Name: FORTY FIVE FRANK
Age: *pulls imaginary abacus out of pocket and pretends to add*
Role In Band: *plays a jaunty tune on a variety of imaginary instruments*
Blood Type: *pretends to draw his own blood and examine it with an imaginary magnifying glass, shrugs, honks imaginary horn*
Favorite Sport: *rides a pretend bicycle; rings bell at passing tourists; waves*
Likes: *pulls out an imaginary rope, lassos you with it and pretends to reel you in*
Dislikes: *becomes trapped in an ever shrinking cube*
Favorite Bands: *pretends to shoot rubber bands at you*
Name: TOMBSTONE TONY
Age: Nearly 1/3 his BMI
Role in Band: Drummer/providing only slightly better rhythm than his grossly over-worked heart
Blood Type: Cake
Origin of Nickname: My two favorite brands of frozen pizza, together at last!
Dislikes: Diabetic shock, foot amputation, but most of all HAVING TO TAKE MY FARKIN' INSULIN!
Favorite Band: Cake
I was going to do a Critics Corner for this but the only commenting going on in this video is a bunch of dorkwads arguing over what to call "bands that play punk and dress like ghosts/zombies/vampires while singing about ghosts/zombies/vampires", so fuck it. Is it deathrock? Is it horrorpunk? WHOOOOOOO CARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRESSSSSSSS
Simply put, if I had Johnny Manziel’s physical gifts, you better believe I would be there in the Weight Room, getting to bed early, doing whatever I had to do to be the best possible athlete I could be. I wouldn't be posting on social media about sucking titties. I wouldn't even look at a titty, buddy. I'd look at a titty and see two big footballs.
A real friend doesn't move until the middle of August, ensuring temperatures in the 90s and a humidity that turns boxers into moist balls of ruined cotton.
Expendable? You must be joking.
As you may have noticed, the most popular viral videos at any given time are amazingly banal, annoying, and cliched pieces of waste. It almost seems as if the internet naturally gravitates towards the worst possible Youtube and Google video selections. So it stands to reason that if the terrible videos become popular, then the unpopular videos must be awesome! We here at Something Awful present to you AwfulVision™, our own patented service dedicated to showcasing a wide selection of unpopular videos that apparently must be good! Welcome to Web 3.9. Welcome to AwfulVision™!