The lady who interviewed me for my current job asked me "Am I pregnant?" Not "Do I look pregnant to you?" Just, "Am I pregnant?". I told her I couldn't answer that question.

The Machinima Man

I was asked if I could be any Magic: The Gathering creature type, what would I be?

I said slivers, because I like helping others out and working for the benefit of the team (slivers give all other slivers in play additional abilities). He said I was racist, because my assistance went exclusively to slivers and not to other creature types, such as elves, insects or dragons.


I was doing a flight physical for the military as a precursor for helicopter flight school. Apparently at the end of this process involved questions related to my mental health. The doctor asked me "You are the pilot of an Apache attack helicopter and you have been given orders to take out a weapons site, and it is located in a school. What do you do?"

Good question considering, but holy shit did it catch me with my pants down.


Q: "What is your experience with juvenile delinquents?"

A: "Well I worked for years with a restorative justice program that focused on juveniles and attempted to get their record clean by having them directly repair whatever harm they caused, I've worked with juvenile probation and parole on a few occasions. I've worked with the special needs community on both political lobbying and child care for almost nine years. I'm certified for child care and have experience with disabled and delinquent youth from other jobs as well. I've assisted in several academic studies with my professors cataloging various social data on children and young adults from low socioeconomic status situations."

Q: "Do you have any experience working with minors?"

A: ...


"What would you do if this person *points to someone else in the room* shit their pants?"

I can't think of a more appropriate way to end these stories than with a tale of pants-shitting. Thanks to all of the forum goons who offered to share their experiences, you'll all hear back in 2-3 weeks if you've been successful in impressing me. It's now time for warm handshake that gives you all the cue to leave my office, as I have to get back to work on another Comedy Goldmine with a deadline of next Tuesday. If I'm not brought into disciplinary hearing for sexual harassment, I'll be back in one week from now. You literally have no excuse worthy enough for missing it!

– Craig "Russ" Russell

More Comedy Goldmine

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.

  • BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.