The lady who interviewed me for my current job asked me "Am I pregnant?" Not "Do I look pregnant to you?" Just, "Am I pregnant?". I told her I couldn't answer that question.
The Machinima Man
I was asked if I could be any Magic: The Gathering creature type, what would I be?
I said slivers, because I like helping others out and working for the benefit of the team (slivers give all other slivers in play additional abilities). He said I was racist, because my assistance went exclusively to slivers and not to other creature types, such as elves, insects or dragons.
I was doing a flight physical for the military as a precursor for helicopter flight school. Apparently at the end of this process involved questions related to my mental health. The doctor asked me "You are the pilot of an Apache attack helicopter and you have been given orders to take out a weapons site, and it is located in a school. What do you do?"
Good question considering, but holy shit did it catch me with my pants down.
Q: "What is your experience with juvenile delinquents?"
A: "Well I worked for years with a restorative justice program that focused on juveniles and attempted to get their record clean by having them directly repair whatever harm they caused, I've worked with juvenile probation and parole on a few occasions. I've worked with the special needs community on both political lobbying and child care for almost nine years. I'm certified for child care and have experience with disabled and delinquent youth from other jobs as well. I've assisted in several academic studies with my professors cataloging various social data on children and young adults from low socioeconomic status situations."
Q: "Do you have any experience working with minors?"
"What would you do if this person *points to someone else in the room* shit their pants?"
I can't think of a more appropriate way to end these stories than with a tale of pants-shitting. Thanks to all of the forum goons who offered to share their experiences, you'll all hear back in 2-3 weeks if you've been successful in impressing me. It's now time for warm handshake that gives you all the cue to leave my office, as I have to get back to work on another Comedy Goldmine with a deadline of next Tuesday. If I'm not brought into disciplinary hearing for sexual harassment, I'll be back in one week from now. You literally have no excuse worthy enough for missing it!
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
Cons: causes bad nightmares. I used to have to eat beef until I passed out to have these kind of terrors, but this machine does it for me every time I fall asleep inside it.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.