Daily Dirt Wii Camp Edition
Maxnmona Wrote Some Of My Jokes
My long-time friend and colleague Joesph "Maxnmona" Fink graciously lent me his strong work ethic and sense of humor for this update and wrote about a few of the jokes. I was incredibly busy this weekend so I really appreciated him helping me out, and I think collaborative stuff is some of the best work to come from SA. Thanks, Maxnmona! Couldn't have camped out in a Wal-Mart all weekend without your help!
You Read That Right
Yes, I really did spend the better part of my weekend camping out in a Wal-Mart. Almost everything I wrote for this update was done on my friend's Macbook, a daunting challenge to say the least since I had literally no experience with laptops and only a little with Macs before this experience. I'm pretty sure I'll just carry a Windows PC to the next "camping" event I go to. Not that I will. Why? Because I'm not an idiot.
Let me explain something to you, reader: I am still at the Wal-Mart as write this. When my camping experience is done I will have spent 22 hours in a Wal-Mart supercenter to purchase a video game system. And if that's not bad enough, it's a Wal-Mart in Southern Indiana. Bloomington, to be precise.
If you're not understanding the gravity of this situation, you've obviously never seen any of these:
- A hulking (I'm talking 6-4, maybe 430 pound) wall of nerd showing off his Dragonball Z tattoos. He has four of them now, and he plans to get three more to show seven stages of his favorite character "powering up" or whatever anime characters do when they're not using their tree-branch tentacle dicks to systematically molest every member of their family at the same time. He constantly talks to himself in some bizarre, passive-aggressive attempt to get someone to initiate a conversation. He told someone else in line that "Budokai is the best game ever made in my opinion".
- A morbidly obese woman who smells like a flower's vagina and rides around in a mart cart. This woman (I hesitate to call her that but I don't think "tan trash bag filled with water" sounds very good in repetition) is maybe the most annoying person I have ever met. As soon as she saw I was using a laptop she asked me if she could check her email. Given that a miscalculated swoop of her finger would bend the rig in half like a giant gray hot dog bun, I told her no. In the ensuing 15-or-so hours she has said something to the effect of "you know, if you're done with that I would really like to maybe use it for a minute" at least 30 times, even though I tell her "no" in no uncertain terms every time. This is no exaggeration. She is easily over 50. She smells like perfume and that pungent brand of body odor that can only come from the folds in a chairbound fat woman's thighs. I would probably walk out happy if she died of a heart attack before I got out of here.
- Two of the trashiest people I've ever seen laying on a blanket in the floor, shoeless, rubbing their dirty yellow feet together. My friend said "I wonder what that blanket smells like" and my stomach leapt into my throat. On a side note, the male half of the couple (we can tell he's the male because his mustache is a little thicker) told us he "didn't want to get one of those Pee-threes because they cost like $800". We told him they were actually $600 and he said – I shit you not - "Well, I can buy this thing for $200 and use the extra money to put brakes on my Skylark".
On the plus side I made about $300 holding onto seats for people and selling seats I hawked off people who left. That's the only reason I stayed, and I basically got a free Wii and game out of it.
Oh, who am I kidding, I'm still a gigantic fucking nerd.
Last week we finished up our NBA scouting reports. Next time we'll have a test to tell you if you, in fact, are a "homer". Don't know what a homer is? Better read the fucking column, nancy boy!
As usual I'd like to wrap this up by saying "thanks" to everyone who takes time to read and email. I love hearing from readers and I make it a point to respond to every email. Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to trade a dude a can of root beer to watch my chair while I go smoke a cigarette. My life's a joke.