Zack: All of the text on the card is literally about trees fucking.
Steve: Do Not Summon Treefolk.
Zack: Treefolk outside groaning all night dropping pine cones on my car. If they do it again tonight I'm setting fire to front yard.
Steve: I tried turning the hose on them but they just did it more!!
Zack: I hear if you lay some stumps out in your yard it will scare them off.
Steve: Yeah, that's great until you get one of those real sicko trees. Then you wake up and the stumps are covered in sap.
Zack: Nature is horrible. That's the lesson here. Do not meddle with nature.
Obviously, the first thing necessary to getting back in shape is buying a bunch of expensive knick-knacks.
Finally, a look at the candidate's long-delayed tax returns.
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.