Steve: They got this from a real animal.
Zack: Don't even start with that.
Steve: It's in the rain forest. I saw it on Discovery Channel.
Zack: You saw a plant that looks like a tree stump, grows rabbits to trick animals, has eyes - EYES - on a plant, and attacks with tentacles and teeth? That's what you saw?
Steve: It's called a pitcher plant and it's like a beer pitcher at Pizza Hut, but with a lid for the pitcher. And when an animal comes around it bites it.
Zack: There's so many things wrong there I don't know where to begin. Can I just start with the PIzza Hut. Why Pizza Hut? Who goes in Pizza Hut? I would rather get robbed at a Pizza Hut than eat the food.
Steve: I haven't been there in a long time, but I used to get free personal pizzas for reading books.
Zack: When you were a kid.
Zack: Is that when you saw the documentary about the biting pitcher plant?
Steve: No, i think I saw that more recently. I don't think they had Discovery Channel back when I was doing the reading books for pizzas.
Zack: But the plant didn't have any of the qualities of this monster.
Steve: It tricks things into falling in and then it closes its mouth.
Zack: No it doesn't. No. A plant does not have a mouth.
Steve: Yeah, it just sat open like :O and it's full of juice and then little things come in for the juice and it closes up its mouth like :| and then it swallows.
Zack: You're an idiot and this never happened. The end.
Steve: I'm not making it up!
Zack: Plants can't have mouths! They don't swallow! And this plant you're talking about is nothing like the rabbit on a tree stump.
Steve: They both use subterfuge to get what they want.
Zack: So does a spy! Did they base this on Mata Hari?
Steve: Is that what the plant is called?
Zack: For fuck's sake!
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.