Subject: quick question
Are you a model? I think I might've seen your picture on TV or in a magazine or something....
i was on "Americans Funniest JHome Videos" once when my stupid brothar brought hoem a parrot and teh parrot was flying around and I said "SOMEBODY CATCH MR. SPRINKLES!!" and we tried to runs aftar it and catches it and teh parrot flew into my dads hair and crapped!!! it was funny,. then we hit him in the penis with a baseball. WE did NOT win teh moneys but i was vary famous, just liek I am vary famous now becyause Cybarspace Intarnet Superhighway man CLIFF BLIZZANSKI emaled me with his emale. some day I will Win Americans Funniest home Videos becuase I am going to fall off teh roof onto a rake.
From: Mike Shanafelt
Subject: Clan 40 Ounces
Hey JeffK, I just started playing quake and I say you had a clan. Can I join?? I kind of suck at Quake right now but am getting better. If I had you to be my mentor I could kick some arse.
From: Pat Campbell
Subject: Help me!!
I previously e-mailed you concerning my becoming a zombie. I am in this zombie wannabe (my favorite song) cult, and the guy Fransico Lopez whom we are all trying to get to kill us so we can be zombies won't do it. I think you gave him some advice and I ask that you help him change his mind so we can all be dead and be zombies and walk when we're dead. Cyclopses forever! Oh and P.S. we've started a Jeff K fanclub at school, and we even have jeff K shirts with sayings like "You Faggot" and "EMALE ME" and even "Haxxors Rule". I will email you a picture of the near 800 members of your fan club wearing their shirts. PPS. will you tatoo your signature on my forehead? I am your #4 fan. Thanks please reply soon, and post this e mail so all can see how kewl the Jeff K fanclub is.
Subject: (no subject)
Hey for some reason my friend thinks that unreal tournament kicks ass because it runs off glide and i dont know what to do with him can you tell me what to do?
HOW DO I GEt OUT OF THIES FONT IT SI TOO BIG?!?!?>
FUNNY MOMENT THAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME OF THE WEEK:
I CANT WRITE IT BECUASE TEH FONTS IS TOO BIG AND I DONT KNOW HOW TOo CHANGE IT PLES HELP ME SOMEBODY WRITE IN AN TELL ME HOW PLEASE HELP OR ELSE MAEYBE TEH COLUAMN NEXT WEEK WILL BE IN BIG FONTS LIEK THIS PLS HEKLP EMALE ME PLS FAST
SEND ME MORE EMALE AND I WILL WRITE ABOUT YUO IN MY COLUMN NEXT WEEK AND WRITE BETTAR QUESTIONS bceayse some of them were frankely dumb. and if yuo send me meane emales, i will put yuor adress in the lettar like the ppl above so everybody knows yuo = fagot.
- JEFF K>
Transgressive author Chuck Palahniuk is here to help with tips and tricks to hacking your life.
Not what I had in mind when I ordered an Italian gondolier. This is literally just a tiny toy. Needless to say, the Italian businessmen were not impressed and I looked like a damn fool. We lost the pizza pie account and will have to lay off half our factory.
Time to applaud the man who applauds in a loop until the end of time.
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