This article is part of the Dynamars Corporation Information Kiosk series.
*** 07-03-2305 - New Entry
LOGMAN wishes to apologize to Resident #012 for giving him the false impression of disappointment. LOGMAN understands that Specimen #11598-A's escape was an anomaly, and no way reflective of Resident #012's capabilities as a brilliant, handsome scientist.
Chief Security Officer Hendren reports no progress in the hunt for Specimen #11598-A. DynaMars Corporation asks that all residents remain vigilant.
As anticipated, the new drinking fountains installed by Chief Engineer Paskiewicz are now online. Please drink from them at your earliest convenience.
*** 07-04-2305 - New Entry
DynaMars Corporation wishes to apologize to the seven crew members horribly burned in the freak explosion that tore through Sector B Explosive Barrel Storage. As hypothesized, bullets do indeed travel directly through Specimen #11598-A.
LOGMAN wishes to congratulate Resident #012 on the growth of a particularly fascinating facial hair formation. LOGMAN applauds Resident #012's creativity and masculine sensibilities. Please congratulate Resident #012 at your earliest convenience.
*** 07-05-2305 - New Entry
DynaMars Corporation offers its condolences to the friends and family of Resident #011, who died in a freak baconization accident. It appears physical contact with Specimen #11598-A causes instant epidermal baconization. Resident #011 died within seconds, and did not suffer. His transfer to DynaMars Europa Dig Site #82 has been canceled as a result.
DynaMars Corporation and LOGMAN are recommending all residents avoid physical contact with Specimen #11598-A.
LOGMAN would like to remind Resident #013 that facial hair is strictly prohibited.
*** 07-06-2305 - New Entry
DynaMars Corporation is inviting all Cycnus Station residents to attend a special memorial service for Resident #011 / "Get Well Soon" party for the seven crewmembers severely burned in the recent explosive barrel incident. This event will take place tomorrow at 1300 hours in the Sector D Rec Room.
LOGMAN wishes to congratulate Resident #012 on his exemplary hygienic routine. While some residents, such as Resident #013, take long showers with minimal scrubbing, Resident #012 takes quick, efficient showers filled with vigorous scrubbing of the hair, armpits, anal region, and genitals. LOGMAN is very pleased by this commitment to excellence.
Evil Cooper and Chechen President Ramzan Kadyrov have both been on a rampage, but who did what?
"Your left eye," the optometrist casually explained while blasting my face with a blue laser at point blank range, "is farsighted and shaped like an eyeball. The other eye is nearsighted and shaped like a football. Not even a good football."
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.
Keep up to date on the DynaMars Corporation's perpetually doomed efforts to colonize Mars.