Well women naturally like jerks. So next time you ask a woman out slap her across the face and she'll be yours forever.

It's an open letter to the only woman on the Internet who would have sex with him. Well, good for him.

These people have conventions?! Did anyone else see this coming? I know I didn't.

MadTV always "goes there". That's why it's mad!

I have an average penis and I have an average life. I'd say that's a decent tradeoff.

Haha, reality bites.

Hello goon.

What can I say to these guys? Learn how to eat pussy real well? I don't know.

Special thanks to Meunkin, The Aristeia, Jesus169, Jay Milo, DemanusFlint, PissFilledCumBubble, ptlsaints, Gaspy Conana, diagnosed, and ryborg. These guys have humongous units and aren't afraid to use them.

– Hassan "Acetone" Mikal

More The Weekend Web

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.

  • BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.