E3

May is one of my favorite months because it's the time when the unwashed come out of the very smelly woodwork to rave and moan about video games they won't even play for another six months or more. I'm not talking about the "That looks cool," and "I'll probably buy that," guys, I'm talking about dudes with actual emotional investments in this shit. They were all over the Internet this week and the forum goons knew where to look, including right under our very noses.

It's not often you're able to surmise how greasy a keyboard is just by reading a post that came out of it, but I'm getting some serious vibes here. If I had to guess, I'd say "Customer Service's" home row is approaching KFC levels.

I hate myself and I want to die.

Let's see:
Console rivalry
"TEH" and "NEWB"
Crappy analogy involving video games
Crappy analogy involving video games and fast food
Crappy analogy involving video games and fast food and still being hungry after eating an entire fast food meal
Draw your own conclusions and then stuff that drawing in an envelope and mail it to Art Bell.

I really wish there was footage from this grown man's video game fit.

Moisture comes in contact with "Ice Blue's" face for the first time since the Great Hot Pocket Filling Leak of '04.

Okay, he's not obese he's just storing fat for hibernation. Good excuse, "Forzan."

More The Weekend Web

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.

  • BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.