Wait, so is the competition seriously not happening AT ALL this year???
Can you please give Golgura a trophy? How about Tallest Monster? I speak not for Golgura now. He is stepping on us villagers out of anger. In his wisdom he has flattened my son.
Howard the Wolf Man and I had a little Airbnb mishap with a human. She ran to the police and long story short, Howard and I got arrested. We convinced them it was all a joke, so they let me go, but then they ran Howard’s prints and got a match from the crime scene back when he shot Masked Slasher. The bail is super huge you guys, please help! ASAP!
Your lair. Maybe you lure victims to it, maybe you hide in it between killings, or maybe you haunt it 24/7 because you’re tragically confined by a curse. Whatever the situation, for most of us monsters, a living/un-living space is an important part of our identities. In this column, Monstergeddon award winners share their lair tips and techniques!
BetterWatchOut posted: I only kill on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. My wrath isn’t for pleasure. These eyes were opened the Christmas morning I found my family dead, and I know it was because they mocked tradition and ate the cookies I left out for Santa. The naughty must be punished. Hail Santa.
In a testament to our on-going attempts to grow as a community, this year marks the first time we’ve named a male target Sexiest Victim. Undead slasher (and gender-boundary smasher!) Lizzy Keller offed an all-male victim pool (the men of a modeling agency), and she had a real cheesecake moment with the ‘Buff Blond Guy Oiling Himself.’ You go, girl!
Have any of you been watching Betheba Orwen’s 'Rituals Vs Females in Monsterdom' series on YouTube? Her latest video just went up, and she makes the interesting point that before the Monstergeddon tournament started, the majority of feared monsters in the world were actually female.
PHANTOM MENACE asks: Does anyone have dating advice for non-corporeals? I’m currently occupying (possessing) an elevator shaft in a high-rise, and there is a really cute specter that roams the 27th floor. But I have heard people say you shouldn’t [haunt] where you eat, so to speak. Plus she can’t actually leave the 27th floor, which seems limiting.
I think it took a lot of courage for me to go into the Living/Unliving With Depression thread and talk about my problem, admitting that I’ve become a human again. Then Howard trolls his way in and calls me a whiner and says I shouldn’t be allowed on the boards anymore because I’m not a “real” monster?! I was a vampire before Howard was even born!
While listening to the decrepit pastor detail the origin of the Xian godling, I made the perplexing discovery that Xmas is not in fact a celebration of the fabricated super-being Santa Claus. Furthermore, I had been entirely unaware of the similarities between Xian sub-god Jesus and myself. Golan the Insatiable is the clear better in this contrast!
Last night had so many highlights! The most collective kills in Monstergeddon history, you guys! Congratulations to everyone! And the message boards are already humming with discussion about the Masked Slasher’s triumphant return from the grave. But I know, I know, let’s get on with things, right? You want to know who won the awards!
Twenty years ago this very day, back on August 16, 1992, the supernatural community lost a true icon when Ashley Campbell pushed Mortimer ‘The Church Retreat Maniac’ Vorchek into a live volcano. It seemed like every year Morty would get killed (often by Ms. Campbell), and this death seemed especially absurd, but sadly it stuck. We miss you, Morty.
This is your chance to become a kickass minion in the cabal of Golan the Insatiable! In compliance with article 7b of The Golan Act, we're no longer called The Raping Fist of Golan. We're just The Fist of Golan. But as an organization we have more to offer than ever! Join now and you’ll receive this ‘I Am a Finger in the Fist of Golan’ T-shirt!
As the crudely assembled creation of a deranged scientist, I have my share of existential baggage. I was going through a dark patch, drinking a lot, tried to commit suicide by freezing myself at the Arctic Circle, was discovered and thawed by Russian oil-workers, blah blah. But after killing everyone on that oil rig, I feel re-energized and happy!
Perhaps you are mystified as to why the puny dullard Yor has a published work spreading his meaningless legend, while Golan the Insatiable, a demigod who death-gripped an entire world, has none. I too have a champion to sing my saga onto the written page! I just didn’t want to tell anyone, because it is far from a big deal for Golan the Insatiable.
The Los Angeles metropolitan area is the second largest in the United States in terms of human population, and the fourth largest in terms of monster population (behind New York City, New Orleans, and Placid Valley, Colorado).
I have since learned that your Santa Claus is a strange pacification prank you play on your young, and not actually a worshiped god, but as a stranger in your stank dimension, you can doubtlessly understand why I took your Claus to be some fashion of minor deity when I saw a throng of people gathered before him on his blood-red velvetted throne.
Perhaps it was just ahead of its time, given the current popularity of literary/historical mash-ups like ‘Pride and Prejudice and Zombies,’ but in 1958 readers did not know what to make of ‘The Diary of Anne Frankenstein,’ a high-concept, macabre and slightly whimsical faux sequel in which Anne's father revives her with the help of a mad scientist.
Players’ Choice Best Kill Award: Your votes have been tallied and you overwhelmingly selected Howard the Wolf Man for his killing of Masked Slasher. But Howard cannot be awarded for killing another player. This is the most basic Monstergeddon rule! Thus the award goes to our runner-up, the FunTown Phantom, for turning a security guard inside out.
Yes, my mighty phallus has talons. But they are retractable, and I will not loose them. I know you have no interest in being gorily tattered during your passions (though I promise you the ecstasy is quite terrible). No, I will not rip your head off during sex. I don’t need to indulge this fetish to reach climax. Nothing can stop my fearsome climax!
We named our new baby Baby Smurf. But Baby Smurf won't be a baby forever. Or WILL HE? Is that how it works?
So-called "advice columns" are very popular with your idiot species, crippled as you are by a myriad of laughable woes. Small citizens, prepare to gaze into Golan the Insatiable's fiery abyss of wisdom!
This revamped, average-looking model became known around the company as 'Butterface Barbie.' The office joke spread, and soon Butterface was given unique accessories, like a brown paper bag that could be placed on her head. The women who worked for Mattel did not find this as amusing as the men did, and eventually the entire concept was scrapped.
Hey all! I’m new to the monster community (just returned from the grave), and I thought this little mixer could be a great way to get to know other creep peeps. I got the invite from some schoolmates who still think I’m human. They’re planning a scavenger hunt in this old rundown casino. Should be a nice relaxed environment to pick them off!
To celebrate the booziest of occasions, St. Patrick's Day, Something Awful's Worm Miller sat down with a man who takes the holiday very seriously. Roger Schramm holds the public office of Town Drunk in the city of Costa Vista, California.
I speak to you in reference to Wednesday's political debate held in Oak Grove High's gymnasium. Surely you were wondering why my fearsome presence was not felt in the room. And just as surely you will share my violent outrage when I inform you that I was denied entry, despite my proclamation that I am running for the office of Comptroller!
Cee-Lo Green’s “Fuck You” has joined a small club of hit songs that feature “fuck” in their choruses. But there is a far larger club of failed songs by artists imprudently seeking easy success through the use of the F word.
There is no way to describe the brutal urge to kill. Once it had been satisfied, or spent, I became myself again. Basically, I was a decent person. I had good friends. I led a normal life, except for this one small but very potent and destructive thing - I loved 'Crash.'
Santa's rocket ship flew through outer space at hyperspeed, narrowly missing a bunch of evil alien spaceships, until it finally crossed paths with Earth, crash-landing into a manger in Bethlehem. Mary and Joseph, a childless couple, owned the manger, and they happily took in baby Santa as their own.
A story about Pilgrims and Indians could be very popular. AVATAR set the stage for that. And what's great here is that no one really knows what happened back then so we have a lot of leeway. Could the Colin Farrell character join the Indians? Or what if Tonto joins the Pilgrims, turning against his tribe when they want to kill all the Pilgrims?
Okay guys. I will have a talk with Dogballz via private message, but I’d like to remind everyone that we are no longer using the world “trolling” on the site. We’re calling it “agitating,” out of respect to the actual troll community.
Tremble, feeble readers of Oak Grove Gazette! Once more you are being awarded with addressment from Golan the Insatiable, Godlord Terrible of Gkruool, Crusher of Wills, Raper of All!
GARY: You know, it’s funny how you’re always in the bathroom when Superman shows up. CLARK KENT: Oh? That is kinda funny … DAVE: I think it's even funnier that whenever something scary happens, you just run away like a complete fucking pussy.
Congratulations to the Masked Slasher, the first human ever to win the Killer Cup! I’m proud to be serving as game master in such progressive times, guys. Anyhoo, it's never too early to start planning for next year’s Monstergeddon, so I thought I’d start a board here where people can make suggestions or voice critiques. I open the floor ...
Cower!!! Golan the Insatiable addresses you, cowardly readers of Oak Grove Gazette!
Worm Miller reviews some kids' titles that just didn't work out, from amusingly botched concepts to true tragedies.
'Hello,' the alien said warmly. 'We know much about your world from intercepting Earth's cable TV and Netflix Instant Watch transmissions. That is why we have chosen this form.' He gestured to his group's identical appearances. 'We know David Morse is what will comfort you.'
Something Awful correspondent Worm Miller sat down with the country's leaders to discuss this unprecedented news.
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