Petroleum Jello is afraid of the one thing all mothers fear most- her son turning into Andrew Dice Clay.

Skittles n Bugs dreads putting more than just your sorrys in a sack.

A promising career as a tight-rope walker will one day come to an end when Snugglefish decides to reproduce.

Finally, here are a couple of contributions from Uncle Jenkins which show consideration for any individuals with a printer low on colored ink.

Wow, thinking of all these terrible fates sure makes me feel glad my Wikipedia profile page has a prominently-displayed ASEXUAL graphic. Thanks to all the forum goons for contributing this week. I hope that the storks carrying your future sons or daughters are shot down by troubled teenagers before they reach your doors. Next week's Comedy Goldmine will probably be some hilarious parody of the American presidential election because there is no escaping the political juggernaut which threatens to tear through the entire internet and leave a trail of jokes about old men, stupid women and black Muslims that won't be happy until every bible is on fire. Join me next Tuesday!

– Craig "Russ" Russell

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The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.

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