Beat the victim to death with a mallet made of ice. The detectives will fall for it because they will be too busy looking for a melted icicle

misty mountaintop

Watch instructional videos about how to get away with murder. There's one that sounds really good: "Making a Murderer." I bet that guy got away with it.

mister magpie

Give the victim really bad "how to get away with murder" advice so they are caught and get the death penalty


Fall deeply in love with your victim. Make sure that your love is reciprocated. I mean super deep passion. Then kill yourself. With any luck the target should die from broken heart syndrome.

Ace of Baes

give the victim a lifetime membership to a tanning salon and let the UV rays do the work

no they will not

Stab them with a knife made out of their own organs. It's not suspicious because they're meant to be inside anyway

misty mountaintop

Kill the victim and then when they ask you if you did it, say "no" but really convincingly.


Dress up as a cop, shoot a person of color and when asked why you did it, respond that you do not understand the question.


When you get arrested, convince the police that the victim is actually just very tired

Ace of Baes

stab the victim with an icicle, then shoot the body into space using a shady Brazilian private space firm

misty mountaintop

Keep refreshing your browser until you get the advertisement that says "PRESIDENT OBAMA WANTS SINGLE MOTHERS TO GET AWAY WITH MURDER," then click on it, and you'll get away with murder (offer valid only for single mothers).

Heartbroken 2Twice

have a chance encounter with a kind old man who passes along a tidbit of wisdom that just makes you stop and think for a second, about life, and love, then arrange to have lunch with him in a park once a week, feeding the birds, gradually growing closer and learning of his tragic family history, not just getting to know him better, but slowly becoming a trusted confidante in the winter of his years. one day, buy him a birthday gift that reminds him of a treasured memory from his youth - a music box, or a potato. then, one day, when he falls and shatters a brittle bone too many, be there for him - pick him up and take him to the hospital, where, after a doubtful surgery, he is confined to a bed, misty in temperament, clearly half as alive is he had been; "he knows," you think, "he must know." still, visit, frequently, because you can't shake that feeling, bringing his favorite pretzels every so often, though he doesn't eat quite as fast or as eagerly as he used to; then, one day, you don't go, and then, you just keep missing the opportunity. one day, your phone rings. it's his carers. "it's time." you drive all the way to the hospital, breaking the speed limit along the way, all because you know, you just know, that this is your last chance - you have to make it. for him. and you do - you make it just in time, and he's there, that sweet man, clawing at the air, writhing, a shadow of himself. but he notices you, and begins to eke out some words... how it meant so much that you were there for him in those last few years, what a good person he knew you were, and how everything will turn out OK for you in the end and he knows because hey, look at him, but you can't stop yourself from crying. and then, a gasp - something clicks in his eyes. it's happening. you leap into action, reaching underneath his shoulders, picking him up, flipping him around, and executing a brutal tombstone piledriver. in the legal profession we call this a 'freebie'


don't actually kill anybody. No weapon, no motive: the perfect crime.

– David "g0m" Dolan (@g0m)

More Comedy Goldmine

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Pardon Our Dust

    Pardon Our Dust

    Something Awful is in the process of changing hands to a new owner. In the meantime we're pausing all updates and halting production on our propaganda comic partnership with Northrop Grumman.



    Dear god this was an embarrassment to not only this site, but to all mankind

Copyright ©2022 Jeffrey "of" YOSPOS & Something Awful