Steve: You walk into the hospital room. It really smells like AIDS in there. This guy is all shriveled up and covered in sores. He weakly lifts his head and says "I'm glad you came."
Zack: "I bet you aren't glad everyone came."
Steve: He doesn't get mad at your horrifying joke.
Zack: "Sorry, man, I'm a monster. I'm a frigging monster. I can't even...I don't know why I hurt people." Kurt slumps in the chair next to the hospital bed and feels like shit. Like a real piece of shit, man.
Steve: OK. While Kurt is moping, Edward Barlow tells his tale to Left Eye and Eazy-E.
Steve: "I was a killer. I was part of a witch cult on the east side of Chicago and we let something through. A god or something worse. We didn't know what we were doing. It got inside me and burned like fire until it made me kill. The fire made me kill so many people."
Zack: "So, like, it's good you're dying of AIDS."
Steve: "Yes. Yes it is good. The fire wouldn't let me kill myself. But it didn't understand about AIDS. So I used the disease to destroy myself. To stop myself from killing. When I became too sick, the fire was extinguished. I still see it in my dreams."
Zack: *Terminator gives thumbs up as he is lowered into the bubbling vat of AIDS*
Steve: "In my dreams I can see the fire inside another man. He was another one of the cult members from the east side of Chicago."
Zack: You keep saying "the east side of Chicago." Do you mean East Chicago or Lake Michigan? Did you guys live on one of the water cribs?
Steve: "No, it was East Chicago. There was a businessman in the cult. A salesman for some sort of electronics firm. I can't see his face."
"I thought the internet was all fun and games. Grow virtual plants on Facebook. Send email to grandma. IM friends with emojis," said the Stupid Ass Teenager, currently dying in an Idiot County hospital. "Never in my wildest dreams could I ever possibly humanly imagine that doing stupid ass internet shit in real life might get me mortally injured."
(Lips smacking, mouth full of peanut butter, glistening streams of peanut butter oil running down chin) "I'm full as hell, and I'm not going to take another bite!"
Bonk: The Only Good Bonk Is A Head Bonk
We review every game from the last 2 months, plus all 21 SNES Classic titles
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.