Lowtax: Okay there are waaaaaayyyy too many things going on here.
Zack: The clues are getting smaller. Luckily...
Zack: *Slams microscope on table*
Lowtax: Okay so let's examine this piece by piece. There are empty perfume bottles.
Zack: He's upgraded from candleabra to lantern.
Lowtax: A small satchel to hold 20-sided dice.
Lowtax: A broken locket from some 1920's floozie bathtub gin flapper broad
Zack: I think that's a watch that stopped exactly when the bomb went off.
Lowtax: It stopped at floozie o'clock?
Zack: A copy of Harry Potter that looks like it has HEAVY WATER DAMAGE.
Lowtax: A very tiny key for maybe a medicine cabinent.
Zack: It's a key to a girl's diary.
Zack: A skeleton girl.
Lowtax: A sterling silver crucifix, the real keeper of the collection by far.
Lowtax: An anti-dracula kit.
Lowtax: And... a microscope from 1980
Zack: To examine a tiny note written on a tiny scrap of paper.
Lowtax: And this is obviously overlooking the obligatory skull on a Potter
Lowtax: So what's your theory here, Dr. Zack?
Zack: Yeah. I think it's pretty clear this Bookskull was murdered.
Zack: His body fell off. Or was it...pushed?!?
Lowtax: You're ignoring all the clues!
Lowtax: Or whatever that crap is.
Zack: Enlighten me, please.
Lowtax: Okay, here is my theory:
Lowtax: Some dude was working on the second story of the house when the floor collapsed and a bunch of his shit fell through and landed on a desk. Then his head fell too. BAM.
Zack: Now he's just another statistic.
Zack: Another head on another pile of books in the county morgue.
Lowtax: "Another two-book skull... I've seen this too many times to count" *detective shakes his head*
"I thought the internet was all fun and games. Grow virtual plants on Facebook. Send email to grandma. IM friends with emojis," said the Stupid Ass Teenager, currently dying in an Idiot County hospital. "Never in my wildest dreams could I ever possibly humanly imagine that doing stupid ass internet shit in real life might get me mortally injured."
(Lips smacking, mouth full of peanut butter, glistening streams of peanut butter oil running down chin) "I'm full as hell, and I'm not going to take another bite!"
Guess what's back? Frosty tundras! And me.
Bonk: The Only Good Bonk Is A Head Bonk
We review every game from the last 2 months, plus all 21 SNES Classic titles
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.