Steve: Amrastisi's horse escapes from your roll attack and flees into the night.
Zack: Well, alright, I know where this wizard guy is, right?
Zack: "It's time we take the fight to him," I declare and I begin riding towards the ocean.
Steve: It requires three days of hard riding to cross the steppes and reach the coast. As you take in the sight of the ocean, you spy a ship with a red sail. It seems to be at anchor with several rowboats parked on the beach. It's a Tauranian ship.
Zack: I ride straight down to the beach and say, "Oh, wow, am I glad to see you guys. You will not believe what happened to me."
Steve: The crew of the ship is busy trading with some rough-looking characters. A few of them walk over and hear what you have to say.
Zack: "Well, it started when I was about three. I had this recurring dream that told me to become the most handsome man in Hyboria. Fast forward twenty-six years and here I am. Oh, yeah, and I was with a Tauron army that got wiped out by shadow men."
Steve: One of the sailors seems particularly impressed with your tale. "Where are you headed, traveler?"
Zack: "Oh, wherever my fancy takes me. Are you going to any outlet malls?"
Steve: "I am Bor'aqh Sharaq, captain of this vessel. We travel across the ocean. If you would like to join my crew you must man the oars."
Zack: 'Whatever it takes, I'll do it. I absolutely have to get across the ocean to rescue this woman who said like two things to me. She's being held captive by a wizard."
Steve: The voyage passes fairly uneventfully, although you learn to hate Captain Sharaq. He cruelly forces you to work exceptionally hard to be included. After days at sea you arrive at an ominous island with statues resembling giant gorillas with wings.Zack: "I'm coming princess whatever to rescue you from whoever! Some wizard guy!"
"I thought the internet was all fun and games. Grow virtual plants on Facebook. Send email to grandma. IM friends with emojis," said the Stupid Ass Teenager, currently dying in an Idiot County hospital. "Never in my wildest dreams could I ever possibly humanly imagine that doing stupid ass internet shit in real life might get me mortally injured."
(Lips smacking, mouth full of peanut butter, glistening streams of peanut butter oil running down chin) "I'm full as hell, and I'm not going to take another bite!"
Bonk: The Only Good Bonk Is A Head Bonk
We review every game from the last 2 months, plus all 21 SNES Classic titles
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.