He's a pie-eating-blue-ribbon-getting machine!

Get ready for a sweet surprise! The Cherry Pie Eater costume includes: a red and white baseball-style shirt with the "Cherry Pie Eating Contest" logo and separate blue ribbon for you to claim first prize! Simple styling and an edgy theme make this costume very guy-friendly.

  • Available in Adult Sizes: Large, X-Large, and XX-Large.
  • Includes: Shirt, Ribbon.
  • Put on your favorite pair of jeans (not included) to complete the look as shown.
  • 100% Polyester.
  • Pair with the Cherry Pie Eater for a flirtatious country couples costume!

Dr. Thorpenstein: Loooooong night at the costume company pitch meeting.

Dr. Thorpenstein: "Cherry pie? Does anyone really say that, or was it just that shitty song? Is anyone gonna get it?" "Nah, just have the model make a really lascivious face and people will get it from the context."

Zackula: People still get that a sheet is a ghost costume and ghosts went extinct like 70 years ago.

Dr. Thorpenstein: I honestly thing this is the last possible idea for a mass-produced costume. Until they make up some new slang or something, this is it. This is all of them.

Zackula: Maybe it could be topped by a really big t-shirt and then a guy could be dressed as a t-shirt. The whole costume would just be a white t-shirt maybe one size too big.

Zackula: "I'm a t-shirt."

Zackula: Nah, that's still better.

Dr. Thorpenstein: I mean, we're essentially looking at a costume that is just a shirt. The only thing beyond that is the ribbon, and that's more of a little embellishment that drives the point home. The costume would work just as well without it.

Zackula: This isn't so much a costume as a shirt idea for Cafepress that would sell maybe six shirts and all to middle-aged Warrant fans who wear them when they're draining the oil out of their old Camaro.

Dr. Thorpenstein: I think we should just simplify this down a few levels, take off the ribbon and just have his shirt say "GUY WHO EATS PUSSY COSTUME" and have a picture of a guy eating pussy. Kind of like how Spiderman costumes for kids say "Spiderman" and have a picture of Spiderman.

Zackula: I would be down with that costume as long as it came with a mask that was just a tight, clear plastic bag they put over their head.

Dr. Thorpenstein: When you're dealing with people stupid enough to appreciate this costume, layers of wry humor just get in the way of the punchline. Just let them laugh until the wearer suffocates on his bag, and by then they'll be too drunk to perform CPR and everyone wins.

Zackula: And that's when the guy in the cherry pie eater costume realizes that the tail of Hale-Bopp isn't concealing an alien spaceship.

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About This Column

Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.

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