He's no army of one... year olds, he's a big solider.

Your little corporal ranked tike is awaiting his next mission: toilet training. He earns his stars and stripes by remembering to flush the toilet, put the seat down and wash his hands. Costume features camouflage pants and matching long sleeve shirt with Army pocket tag and military emblem on sleeve. Now he's potty trained and ready for battle.

  • Available in One Size Fits Most Toddlers Size 2T-4T.
  • Approximate Measurements: Chest 26-28", Waist 16-23", Inseam 13.5".
  • Includes: Top, Pants.
  • Does not include shoes.
  • Invite his friends to dress as soldiers for a fun group costume!

Dr. Thorpenstein: Welcome to Africa.

Zackula: Enjoy this costume while it lasts. Pretty soon they'll only be selling drone costumes for your kids.

Dr. Thorpenstein: You'd like to think this is all in innocence, but their choice of a super-white tow-headed child for this photoshoot is just a little too deliberately PC. I think they must have contemplated the moral dimensions of this thing at least a little bit.

Zackula: Costume components include: a bootleg DVD of Under Siege entitled "USA Fat Man Fight Ship," written orders not to fire upon mosques, and a telephone to call mommy so she can drop a JDAM. Oorah!

Zackula: When he turns eight he gets to wear the Blackwater costume, which is the same but now he can drink and threaten the other kids in army costumes with his toy gun.

Dr. Thorpenstein: I love the look of confusion on this lil' dude's face. It's like he's asking his commanding officer whether a clause in a civilian's contract that she can't sue her coworkers for raping her extends to military personnel or just her coworkers.

Zackula: "Wha if we jus wocked hew in a shipping containew?"

Zackula: "Fo-get abou tha whowe fing"

Zackula: Does not include: shoes, empathy for the third world.

Dr. Thorpenstein: I want to make a big liberal stink about this costume, but really, it's just sooooo cute seeing a apple-cheeked lil' trooper getting indoctrinated into the American military hegemony.

Zackula: 0-bedtime hundred hours. Debriefing room. "Soldier, your mission was to not shit your pants. I'm afraid you failed. What do you have to say for yourself?"

Zackula: I don't really have a punchline for that joke, I just wanted to say 0-bedtime hundred.

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About This Column

Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.

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