The Crimson Scarlet

Location: Highland, UT

Origin: Raised by Mormons.

Powers: 30 years of reading Family Circle Magazine has given The Crimson Scarlet an immense knowledge of table setting ideas and Apple Brown Betty recipes.

Weakness: Her husband's other, prettier wives; leather bed restraints.

Organization: The Modern-Day Saints

Greatest Accomplishment: Was given special backyard privileges for stopping her menstrual cycle by sheer willpower alone.

Quote: "Villains, beware! I know where you sleep at night: my house."


Location: Lawrence, KS

Origin: Fell asleep in a giant bowl of Cheetos.

Powers: Can make any object translucent by merely rubbing it on his face.

Weakness: Litigation from Sam Raimi and Universal Pictures; constant beatings from random passersby.

Organization: Registered Sex Offenders

Greatest Accomplishment: Cooked up a batch of emergency French Fries using only the oil collected from his skin.

Quote: "You impersonate a kindergarten teacher just once and suddenly you're the bad guy!"

Night Mayor

Location: Stow, OH

Origin: Unsuccessfully ran for mayor.

Powers: Knowledge of the real mayor's schedule and security codes allows Night Mayor to rule the city's bureaucracy with an iron fist after 5:00 PM.

Weakness: Night Deputy Zoning Commissioner Earl Franklin.

Organization: Fun Run Charities International

Greatest Accomplishment: Removed the greatest evil the city had ever known: that stop sign over by the CVS.

Quote: "The real mayor may make the trains run on time, but the trains don't even run at all when Night Mayor's around!"


Location: Undisclosed

Origin: As a child, watched a single episode of Chip 'n Dale Rescue Rangers.

Powers: Can romance any medium-sized dog in three different dog languages known only by Doggrabber..

Weakness: The ASPCA, hoses.

Organization: NADLA

Greatest Accomplishment: Dated The Bedtimer for three months just to get closer to her border collie, Sasha; today, they are married and enjoy an open relationship.

Quote: "Baby, I'm about to show you why I put the 'best' in bestiality. And the 'dog fucking' in 'Hey, that guy's fucking my dog!'"

– Bob "BobServo" Mackey

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