Dear Mr. Cheese,

An acquaintance has referred to me a tweet written about me by one of your employees, a Mr. Roy Spoggler, in which I was called s a "whining turd" and "king bitch." I'm often amazed by what passes for the discourse of supposedly polite people these days. Civility has been left in the dust by the likes of Mr. Spoggler - who has never met me - and who I should add is still possibly being educated in high school, thought it was hard to tell from the Facebook page and Instagram account which my acquaintance loaded up in a browser window as I happened to be passing through the room.

Is this the sort of person you want representing your enterprise? I believe Entertainment is literally your middle name, but there is nothing entertaining about a young man who is old enough to know better referring to me eating "a heavy loaf" of feces because of my views on climate change.

Nor do I find it polite to suggest that I should quit my job at the paper of record to work for a think tank called "The Self Suck Institute" because I "suck my own dick on the regs." I can assure you that I have never attempted to orally copulate myself and even if I had I would not abandon a successful career to write white papers about doing so.

I would like to invite you, Mr. Cheese, as well as Mr. Spoggler, to come to my home and meet me and realize that I am not "an expired fruit on the bottom yogurt if the fruit was actually Morning Joe." I would like Mr. Spoggler to apologize to my wife and tell my children that I am not "jacking off thinking about civility while kids are dying in cages."

If we could just learn to interact in a respectful way, perhaps I will not need to call the police nor the mayor. I believe you are very reliant on your good standing with the health inspector, Mr. Cheese. Perhaps you and Mr. Spoggler should consider that before upbraiding professional writers on the Internet.

This is a standing offer, but my patience has its limits, Mr. Cheese. Deal with the rogue in your midst before I am forced to do so.

Yours cordially,

Bret Stephens

PS - Despite what Mr. Spoggler tweeted, I do not have a "tiny bug dick" and I thoroughly satisfy my wife. There is also a logical problem with this insult because Mr. Spoggler - I am told by a friend - had earlier made the tweet about me sucking my own dick. That seems improbable if I had a tiny bug dick. So which is it? You should ask your employee that. Does Bret Stephens regularly suck his own dick or does he have a tiny bug dick? I would love to know Mr. Spoggler's answer to that.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

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