I've seen things you people wouldn't believe.

I've been Offworld to the frontiers.

I've stood on the back deck of a blinker bound for the Plutition Camps.

I've watched the fires of Prometheus being flung into the void.

Weyland-Yutani hog riggers doing thrust spins on a spaghetti nebula.

I've seen it. I've felt it. Big things. Crazy things. Unbelievable deals.

Fudgequakes at Nom Nom 9. Cool ice men in an ice city. A space snake. An asteroid shaped like a ball sack.

I genocided crab people on the moons of Andromeda.

I dropped nuclear fusion bombs on the mossy hill yurts of peaceful rabbit men on Agraria.

I watched good replicants die for oil profits.

I met a cholo implanted with a xenomorph egg tricking out a flying low rider.

I watched a sex replicant doing special horny moves that no human could ever achieve.

I've drained a big cyst like cottage cheese being scooped out of a meteor crater.

I went on an unconnected 3D IMAX adventure that favorably references China for international theatrical re-release.

I watched a cut of Robin Hood that wasn't worse than full body cancer.

I signed autographs for money and judged cosplay competitions in Hall C of OrionCon.

I smelled prequel before the opening credits.

All these things and more will be lost like tears in a toilet.


(Pantomimes flushing a toilet and makes flushing sounds)

Time to die.

But remember, I am a replicant, so there could be another one just like me coming in 2015's Blade Runner 2: Back to Bladesics.

– Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons (@sexyfacts4u)

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