Hardly a day goes by without somebody upsetting all the eco-worriers with pictures of dead birds packed full of old plastic. "Oh, look at what we are doing to the environment," they say. "Oh, these poor birds. They died eating plastic. That's so terrible. Let's ban plastic bottle caps even though they are easier to grip and open for children and the elderly and provide tens of thousands of jobs in the plastics industry."

First of all, you don't know how that bird died. What are you, a bird doctor? Maybe it died from eating a blueberry. Second, though, what an arrogant position to assume that you can know the desires and pleasures of being a bird. Chowing down on those tasty plastic pieces might be the happiest thing the bird ever did in its life.

The ecstasy of bird existence is something that no human mind can ever fully grasp. To be an eagle, soaring over American splendor and then eating a raccoon hit by a car. Or to be a crow, sitting on a telephone wire, squawking about your day and waiting for a raccoon to be hit by a car. Perhaps you are a seagull or a pelican. What do you do? You can't wait for nature's cars to provide you with the succulent feast of a putrefying raccoon. You have to forage for your dinner.

Luckily, mankind has provided a sweet treat for these birds in the form of 100% nutrition neutral plastic. A hungry bird might see the brightly-colored bottle cap from a Mountain Dew or an empty Bic lighter and scarf down that yummy tummy stuffer.

For all we know (and we know very little because the birds that eat this stuff aren't the talking birds) devouring hundreds of old pens, bottle caps, broken combs, lighters, and toys might be the passion of these birds. They are collecting these lovely trinkets into their bodies and storing them there as a sort of treasure horde. Wherever they go, they can carry their plastic payload, enjoying it again and again as it shifts and crinkles inside them.

Maybe the plastic tastes good for them to eat. We don't know! Birds can eat the hottest chili peppers without a care in the world because they don't feel the heat. Maybe to them a plastic is as sweet as candy. Are we going to boss those birds around for having a sweet beak? Show me the science that proves a bird doesn't enjoy eating plastic and I will change my mind, but until you can prove it with a pain scan of a bird hating plastic num-nums I am going to side with the birds on this one.

Face it: birds eat what they like and we should respect their agency to choose their own meals. Hashtag Let The Birds Choose, folks.

– Concerned Citizen (@sexyfacts4u)

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