WHAT THE FUCK IS UP?????
I know what is up because you crazy fuckers won't stop sending me emails about Mrs. Palin and that lactonic motherfucker Todd getting divorced. Which sucks for me because my friend Roddy set up messages on my phone to send me a text every time I get an email but because I'm using this pay by the week phone from Vietnam called a Jippee I have to do a credit check and get extended 89 cents credit by this online banking app called gUFFINS to cover the cost of each text. Which is fine because I used a fake social security number I traded from an eskimo for a drawer full of animal grade cough medicine I hijacked off a truck. It was the good stuff they give to bears in the butt pills.
But anyway the point is you nasty fuckers sent me like 800 texts and now I owe an online bank run by the Chinese government like 775 dollars. So thanks for that, you dumbasses.
Anyway, I knew about Mrs. Palin and Todd getting a divorce because Todd has been sleeping on my couch for a week. First of all, no, I don't like it. Second of all, my kids hate him and disrespect him constantly. They draw on him when he falls asleep and I trained my youngest to say "no, bitch" whenever Todd wants something. But he is paying most of the rent and he will clean all my guns after I go out training with them at the obstacle course I built at the abandoned school for my private mass shooter of mass shooters rapid response business I am working on.
Think about it: if the only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun, then what about the best guy with a gun and he has figured out a way to carry six guns at the same time? Mass shooters will think twice about shooting at mass people when I stack the pads on them and unload with dual AR-15s. I have figured out a way to pull the trigger so fast that Tucker says it sounds like I am full auto which ups the intimidation factor. My firepower is unstoppable. You can find out more on my website PUT IN WEBSITE PAGE CODE HERE I DON'T REMEMBER IT NOW.
Anyway, so I've been thinking about the new Joker movie and I don't know if I'm ready for a new version of the Joker so soon after Jeremiah Valeska became the laughing man AKA the Joker (they weren't allowed to call him that on Gotham but he is the real Joker) which is my fucking Joker as far as I'm concerned although the Suicide Squad Joker was good because he was so terrifying and intense. I read that on the set of Suicide Squad Jared Leto sucked his own dick which didn't have anything to do with the Joker thing but is pretty cool that he did that on like a big movie set like that's an experience like the mile high club.
Which, speaking of that, Todd Palin got invited to go down to Miami and hang out with Jerry Falwell Junior at a club called Hardies not to be confused with Hardees although they are both called Carls Junior in California which makes it even more confusing. Basically it's this club where you can drink alcoholic smoothies and do poppers while ripped up Mexican guys will have sex with your wife. But since Todd is getting divorced he got his invitation canceled and he is upset as hell. Then he was trying to get on the Epstein plane but then Epstein committed suicide by decapitating himself in a room with all the cameras turned off and screamed help me over and over so that is a tragic accident.
When you think about cool you think about these guys they had it made! Haters can back off!!
I get why Todd is so upset that Epstein dude had a pretty cool set up. He had like this plane where teenage girls would give massages to people and crank them off or whatever which isn't that the American dream? Why is everybody so upset at this guy? So they're like 15 or 12 or whatever that's on them for getting into that line of work at such a young age and I guess their parents for not supervising them better.
My point is if Malcolm Gladwell can spend 10,000 hours getting his hog tugged by some kid from Boise and like four presidents are on that island it can't be all bad. But I can also see how Mrs. Palin might think it's grounds for divorce.
I feel for Mrs. Palin or whatever her name is going to be now. I have had a lot of fights with her but there are the good times too and so I want to offer her my services to do the husbandly duties that Todd Palin wasn't doing.
Here are my services:
Tittyfucking - Yep. Done. A woman needs to be treated right.
Fixing things - I figured out how to fix my PS3 by shaking it and this will work on most devices.
Jumping trucks - I have jumped eight trucks on ramps or over bridges that have washed out or off hills and into ravines which is twice the number of trucks jumped by anyone I know. One of them is still technically road legal although I had to hire a kid named Buttons to hack the CARFAX to replace a crash with something that said "SPY UPGRADE - SMOKE SCREEN" so I could sell it to the dealer to cover the deposit on a jet ski rental that I then sold for dynamite.
Gun skills - I am profigient in 24 different types of assault rifle and can duel wheeled shotguns.
Strong - Like twice as strong as Todd. I could yoke him and wreck his guts with karate chops whenever I want no man will dare affront to you when I am around.
Partying - If you want to have a party I am great at hooking it up. I know a bunch of different strippers and I know where the smugglers bury all their best drugs whenever Border Patrol is chasing them with a helicopter so if we get lucky we'll get a shipping container with like 800 million doses of knockoff Oxy from Kyrgyzstan called hell rocks.
Secrets - Because of my time in government I know all the secrets like Mike Pence has pierced nipples and Donald Trump once told me about the secret third island of Jeffrey Epstein called Extra Horney St. James where they keep the cat girls.
So that is my pitch for marriage I will cheat on you Mrs. Palin but I will never make you cheat on me while I watch so you can have your dignity back.
Oh and someone asked me who I endorse for the democrat primary and I don't give a fuck they'll never win but I guess I pick Beto because he cusses the most.