I've always wanted to write a mystery. Filled with intrigue and downright clever plots, mysteries are both entertaining and informative. What other kind of story can you read where the questions raise questions about other questions which inevitably lead to someone getting arrested, killed, or both? Not your damn nerdy Sci Fi, I can tell you that. Mysteries have a certain feel to them that can't be captured by non-mystery writings, such as instruction manuals. When I was a kid, instead of reading highlights magazine or the baby-sitter's club, I always chose to read stories involving Sherlock Holmes, The Hardy Boys, and Nancy Drew (I was a girl until 1993) that whisked me away to a world of suspense and confusion. I would even pretend to be a detective sometimes, investigating simple mysteries like "the mystery of what's in my neighbor's panty drawer", and someone even hired me to solve the mystery of "Who the hell's been going through my panty drawer?" That mystery was solved quick.

As I got older, I let my dream of becoming a detective slip away along with my hopes of making millions of dollar and graduating high school. It just wasn't where my heart was, and also the state says I'm unfit to carry a weapon...but I'll show them if I ever get my handguns...anyway, it didn't happen. What did happen however, was that I found the wonderful world of the Internet, a place where everyone can say whatever the hell they want and only be punished if it says something bad about Scientology. Thus, I began to think how I could combine my love for mystery and my love for writing. Since I had written many "Who's the Boss" erotic fanfictions, it was only the next logical step to actually write my own mystery.

Today, I'd like to divert from Something Awful's regular format of drinking moonshine and typing blindfolded to present you with this short, mysterious story I've written, entitled "Underhanded Deeds." It is set in 1937 London and is loaded to the brim with suspense, mystery, and candy. Mysterious candy. Keep a sharp eye open, and you may be able to spot the clues to help you solve the mystery...IF you've successfully mustered up your thinking powers, or powered up your thinking mustard. One or the other. I'd like to note that I've never tried to write non-erotic fiction before, nor have I ever read fiction (completely contradicting the last 2 paragraphs), so please be forgiving when reading this story. Without further ado, I give you...

Underhanded Deeds

Cast of Characters

Cornelius Q. Inquisitive - The main character of the story. He is wearing a boulder cap, and is therefore a detective. Cornelius is a sophisticated crime fighting machine. Unlike a regular machine which is made of plastic and metal, he is built of flesh and justice. His sophisticated crime solving technology includes a magnifying glass, a trenchcoat, and an idiot sidekick.
Professor Lucious T. Baffleflax - Cornelius' idiot sidekick, Baffleflax is constantly flabbergasted by the most simple of events. How he became a professor is a mystery in and of itself.
Felonious Von Dastardly - A stranger, dressed all in black with a long handlebar mustache and a maniacal laugh. He may be the key to solving this mystery, but just what side is he on?
Laura Seducington - The dame with the case. Beautiful, mysterious, and totally hot. A heartbreaker by nature, this saucy young lass may finally be tamed by a certain young detective. Which detective is all part of the mystery, friend!

*This story told in Olde Englishe Spelleing*

Scene one...

It is a rainy October morne, one that simply shouts "Mystery." As such, it was bound to be quite the adventurous day for one Cornelius Q. Inquisitive! He sits and quietly smokes a pipe, as pipe-smoking was all the rage in the 30s among detectives. He is struggling to solve the mystery of the morning crossword puzzle when suddenly there is a knock at the door. "I'll solve this!" he thinks to himself, asking "Who's there?", thouroughly proud of how he handled the mystery of 'The Person at the Door"!

Scene eight...

A girl stands outside Cornelius' door. She could tell by the large eye drawn on it that he was either a detective or an optometrist or both. The hallway reeked of liquor and urine, just the way dames like her like it. She boldly enters, when suddenly...!

Scene three...

*edited for racist, anti Semitic content*

Scene forty hundred...

Cornelius stood atop the pile of dead alien bodies and said "Lucious! I've finally avenged you!", when all of a sudden one of the aliens' eyes open. Everything goes into slow motion and the kung fu begins anew.

Scene six...

Cornelius and Lucious lie in a pool of vomit, slowly waking up from a hard night. "What time is it? What happened last night? And whose vomit is this?" asked Lucious. Cornelius responded profoundly "It is a mystery! Look for clues!", and proceeded to put his clothes back on. He was ready for all the mysteries the day would throw his way, and he quickly conquered the mystery of "How to put my belt on".

Deleted scene (available on DVD)...

Hot, hot sex between Mona and Tony from "Who's the Boss"...removed not because it had nothing to do with the mystery, but only because it was too long. 7053 highly erotic words, dripping with sensuality, but ultimately slowing the pace of the story down.

Final Scene...

*explosion*...mystery solved! Goodnight everyone!

Were you able to solve the mystery before Cornelius did? It's ok if you didn't, the clues were so subtle that only the most careful of readers could pick them up. Thanks everybody, for giving me that chance to exercise my creative writing muscles. I think that story went pretty well, I may start up a career in writing fiction someday!

Thanks to P Dawg Ciccotto for the character images! He is a master of the fine arts.

– Scott "Kung Fucious" Delbango (@sexyfacts4u)

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