[Navigating the Labyrinth of Fog and Shadows]
"For a minute there
I lost my elf.
I lost my elf."
[Upon returning a beloved fowl to Crod, the emotional giant quest-giver who begins crying enormous tears of joy upon the party]
"Rain down, rain down
Come on rain down on me
From a great height
Crod loves his chicken"
[Sent in to scout a dragon's keep while the party waits outside]
"But I'm a thief.
My HP's low.
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here."
[Locating a mechanism to open a secret passage as a horde of knolls bears down on the party]
"I hit the button.
Hit the button and escape.
[Addressing the Bard at the campsite after a particularly trying day of adventures]
Us a song
A song to heal
[Rolling a 20 on a perception check]
"I jumped in the river, what did I see?
Bag of Holding waiting for me."
[Pickpocketing dozens of random students in a magical college as a favor for the party's mage, who wants a Time Stop scroll]
"And it wears me out.
It wears me out.
It wears me out.
But if I could see the scroll you wanted
to stop time..."
[Attempting to steal a legendary gem from its display case in a curiously empty chamber with no obvious form of security]
"No alarms and no surprises please."
[The party's Wild Mage casts a spell that backfires spectacularly]
"You do it to yourself, you do.
And that's what really hurts
is you do it to yourself, just you.
You and no-one else."
[Detailing an overly ambitious plan to overcome pursuers and slip into the shadows]
"Rows of drows, all bearing down on me
I can feel their blue hands touching me
All my traps into position
All my traps in one round swallow them whole
And fade out again and fade out"
[The party's Barbarian attempts to cut an enemy in half and slice the ropes binding Thom's elven Thief with a single swing of her two-handed sword]
"Don't cleave me, Ghry
Just leave me tied
Don't cleave me, Ghry
Just leave me tied"
[Noticing that the party's introverted Wild Mage has cast Magic Hand and is now holding hands with the conjured hand]
"Just 'cause you feel it
Doesn't mean it's there"
[After three days without rations, eyeing an approaching Gelatinous Cube]
"So knives out
Cut it up
It's got no head
Put it in the pot"
[Turns a corner in the Labyrinth of Shadows and Fog, only to find the spot where the party began one week earlier]
"How come I end up where I started?
How can I end up where I belong?"
With eight movies fighting for Oscar gold, which one will win? I don't know! But you don't either.
Any forum poster worth their salt will gladly inform you (without being asked) that genre fiction is, in fact, garbage for children. You are not reading a real book unless it is difficult and mildly unpleasant. Test your READING MACHISMO with these truly challenging works.
Saving a village of khaki Rastafarians from the confetti geyser. AGAIN.
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.