"Made scrambled eggs with strawberry milk. They turned pink! Then tasted like crap. Also broke the house's lock so just left the balcony window open and climbed up for weeks until I eventually called a locksmith. Even rigged a pulley system for hauling groceries up."
"I used fruit juice on cereal for a week instead of walking ten minutes for milk. To this day I still fucking love apple juice porridge. If you use non-concentrate, it tastes just like apple crumble."
"When I was on unemployment, I'd haul my TV into the bathroom so I could drink in the tub watching MacGyver or Star Trek: TNG (depending on when I decided it was time to soak in the tub.)"
cant find my shoes
"I pee off the balcony. I live in an apartment complex. There are two balconies directly below me and one four feet to my right."
"In grad school I had a tiny bedroom with no furniture in it. I slept on the floor next to a pile of homework, my laptop and dirty laundry. Ah, those were the days."
"I opened an empty Coke can with a can opener to use as a drinking glass, rather than do dishes."
"In college, I'd follow those 'how not to get an STD' and 'personal finance advice' public service seminars that the university would give around campus for a week at a time. As soon as I learned that a particular seminar had free pizza or burritos, I'd happily sit through the same lecture for a week as it was given to a different dorm each night just to get the free food."
"Really, Holmes!" I dropped into my seat, shocked. "You are remarkably tall! What are you, six foot six? Six foot eight?"
As the 19th century diver approaches a giant clam, a flash of brilliant golden light flares from within the shell. I emerge in a swirl of bubbles and do the timeless universal underwater hand signals for the following: ZODIAC KILLER, KKK, BLOOD OF YOUTH
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.