"I used to 'bachelor iron' my work clothes when I was single -- toss a shirt or a pair of pants in the dryer with a damp washcloth for 15 minutes -- bam, no more wrinkles (sorta)."
"Get a transparent condom, and put it over the alarm every time you want to smoke. My friend does this in his university dorm and it works every single time."
"I was about to sit down to a nice pot of ramen, and enjoy it with a ruler. My roommate wanted some, so I dumped half of it on a piece of paper, and snapped the ruler in half so he would have a utensil as well.
I've also eaten Easy Mac with a staple remover by cocking my head back and letting the noodles fall into my mouth."
"Freshman year of college I lived in a 2-bed dorm suite, so it was 4 dudes sharing a tiny fucking bathroom. One day I came home to find that the toilet was full of shit. It didn't look backed up so I just flushed the fucker and went about taking my shower. The next day it was full of shit again, and this time I decided that I would just piss in the shower rather than flush another man's shitpile. I talked with my roommate just to make sure it wasn't him and it wasn't (he was a douchey frat boy but I was fairly certain that he wasn't a completely filthy animal). It was still there in the morning when I went to take my shower and the smell was pretty bad. When I got home from classes that day whoever had laid the load had added to it. At this point I decided that this was a biological attack on me so I shoved towels into any crack possible around the door to seal it off, locked the damn door, and my roommate and I stopped using the bathroom altogether. We would go to the public one downstairs to shit and piss and would go to a dorm with community baths to shower. This went on for about a month until the entire fucking floor of our dorm smelled of shit. The RA came to talk to the four of us and it turns out that one of the suitemates was Asian and came from a village where they didn't have indoor plumbing. He was used to an outhouse sort of crapper and just went to town in there. The pile of shit was seriously higher than the fucking toilet seat. Motherfucker had to have been squatting like a foot off the damn seat."
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.