"Last January, me and several bachelor friends living in a Chinese Language House decided to sell pot brownies to replenish our funds after spending it all on a single giant BBQ. Sold them for 5 dollars and pitched the idea to the faculty as a bake sale."
"Masturbated and pushed the used tissues down the crack between the headboard and the wall behind me. If I stretched I could reach the bin. Eventually the pile got so high I couldn't put any more down there, so I had to pick out the stale, crusty, months old toilet paper. I don't know how I slept with that smell."
"Used a fork to comb my hair. Had Beer'io's for breakfast. No milk? Beer + Cheerios = Beer'ios. Not good, but not horrible. "
"I once took a chocolate bar and hid it behind the corner of the couch so my housemates wouldn't find it.. Forgot about it and when I moved the couch 2 years later I found it. When I opened the wrapper the chocolate bar had a million micro roads in it similar to an ant farm -- and it was completely covered in millions of little tiny bugs that were the size of a ball that goes in an ink pen. The bar itself seemed like it was all dust and not chocolate to the point where heat wouldn't melt it. I considered eating it. Instead, I tossed it in the fireplace. It made for a very interesting find."
"Day after Steakandchips got home from work:
1. Strip off clothes in hallway.
2. Walk to bathroom butt naked.
3. Turn on shower, adjust to hot, aim at throne.
5. Soap up, rinse off.
6. Walk to kitchen, naked and wet.
7. Remove towel from rack, dry self enough to no longer drip all over the place.
8. Throw towel on stool.
9. Cook steak, asparagus, chips, fried tomatoes and portobello mushrooms.
10. Pour beer, carry food and beer to bedroom.
11. Turn on computer and watch TV shows till steak is finished and beer is gone.
12. Burp leisurely.
13. Take dishes back to kitchen.
14. Turn on shower again, grab second beer, enjoy shower beer.
15. Turn off shower, wrap towel around waist.
16. Come back to bedroom, type out this post."
Transgressive author Chuck Palahniuk is here to help with tips and tricks to hacking your life.
Not what I had in mind when I ordered an Italian gondolier. This is literally just a tiny toy. Needless to say, the Italian businessmen were not impressed and I looked like a damn fool. We lost the pizza pie account and will have to lay off half our factory.
Time to applaud the man who applauds in a loop until the end of time.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.