I was home from school for X-mas break. I had a pretty shitty job taking inventory at a bunch of different stores, and I had to get up about 6:00am the next day, so I headed to bed around 11pm. I am just drifting off to sleep when I hear my sister and her fiancée "tiptoe" up the stairs and into her room (which shares a wall with mine).
I think to myself, "Uh oh", and sure enough, in about 5 minutes I hear my sister moaning and saying things I never want to hear her say. At this point I am very tired and want to go to sleep so I can get up for work, but am unable because of the disturbing noises next door. I almost went over and knocked on the door, but thought better of the embarrassment it would cause. I eventually went to sleep with earplugs, and never mentioned anything to either my sister or her fiancée.
Flash forward 4 months. I am hanging out with my sis, and her fiancée and his roommate. Slightly inebriated roommate guy makes a snide comment about my sis and her fiancée being loud in bed.
"Oh believe me, I know" I replied. I then related my experience, MUCH to the chagrin of my sister. She immediately pulled me into the next room, blushed a lot and apologized. I simply told her to be quieter or stay downstairs the next time.
My girlfriend and I were hanging out at my house one night with another couple who we are very good friends with (double date kind of thing). We have a hot tub at my house. We were planning to go out there and just chill for a while -- then someone mentioned it would be fun to skinny dip. Me and the other dude were a little skeptical, but our girls convinced us. So, we one at a time slip in to the hot tub in the buff, hiding out shame beneath the bubbles, couples sitting opposite from one another.
Then something bad happened -- the water overflowed enough from 4 people being it (it seats 4, but has a water level for 2). Said water ran into the circuitry of the hot tub and caused it to short out (this happens sometimes, not a bad thing). However, we no longer had the cover of bubbles to hide us. It was a very awkward situation, and we all exited as quickly as possible.
My mom is pretty open-minded about sex. She always said "I know (from experience) that if you decide you want to do it, you're going to do it. So just be safe blah blah blah."
Last year, after a guy I dated and I became friends with benefits instead of a couple (and we didn't have sex as I don't really want to outside of a relationship, plus not on BC) but there's lots of other games you can play besides "hide the stick" right?
Anyway, one day she hit me with this, I was 20 at the time.
"You know, sometimes I wish you'd just hurry up and get it over with already. You'll always be my baby girl and part of me wishes you'd never grow up. But you're an adult now and sooner or later it has to happen." I was like, what the hell?
I'm getting head on my girlfriend's couch at her house, late at night. Cue her dad walking down the stairs 15 feet away to take the new puppy outside to do its business. Thank god her shirt was still on at this point. Like lightning, she threw a blanket over my nether-regions, and we acted like we were watching TV the whole time (it was still on, thankfully). That got the heart racing. Once the puppy was finished doing business and her dad went back upstairs, we went at it again. Good times. I don't think that he ever figured out what we were really doing.
I'm Ray Parker Jr, and it's time I came clean.
It is 2016. I think it is high time that Captain America have a dog man as a boyfriend.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.