Two weeks after I moved into a new apartment with my friend, my girlfriend finally decides that our place is clutter free enough to stay over for the night. Which was much needed because with her living with her bionic hearing parents, there's not much we can do in her place.
So after I finish cooking a nice dinner we settle down to the couch for a movie before we hit the sack. We pop in one of our favorite movies, "Real Genius"(she has a wicked sense of humor, I love her to death). About halfway through the movie she starts getting a little frisky after having her hand down my pants half the movie. So she starts to satisfy me orally.
5 minutes into the pleasure, I hear the doorknob turn, so I whip a blanket over my girlfriends head, and my roommate comes bouncing through the front door. He just got out of his night classes and tosses his book bag towards the couch, which usually has pillows or blankets on it anyway, which hits my girlfriend right in the kidney forcing her jaw right into my hard penis.
In the process of screaming in pain she knick the underside of my penis with her incisor. I jump up in pain, with my pants round my legs and land wrong, to the point where I cant balance. I tip back and hit the small of my back on the arm of the couch. So there I'm laying on the ground, bleeding from my penis, trying to catch my breath because I got the wind knocked outta me.
It took my friend 2 hours to get the bloodstains from the carpet, it took one week for the cut on my penis to heal, it took 3 weeks to get my girlfriend to come back to our apartment.
I was wakened one morning (I think Nixon was President) by a very pleasant feeling. Now, pleasant or not, this was an unfamiliar sensation and I bolted upright like a damn ninja.
My then-girlfriend took her head from my lap just long enough to give me a grin and a "shh" before she resumed her womanly duties. I reclined with a sigh, and played with her hair while she attempted to rip the skin off of my member through sheer suction. She was like the inverse of a hurricane, that one.
She was laying perpendicular to me and should any devil -- or angel, for that matter -- have been watching us from atop its perch on the ceiling, we must have formed a very crude 'T'. This wasn't her favorite position in the whole world, so she released me from her formidable jaws of molybdenum and asked if I wouldn't mind shifting so that she could be between my legs.
She was terrible at giving head, I must admit. However, a terrible blowjob is still better than no blowjobs at all (barely). I started to shift my position, but she was shifting as well. There was trouble a-brewing. And I could do nothing to stop it.
The next couple seconds played out like some pre-ordained fate, as I calmly and slowly kneed my girlfriend in the face. Her lower jaw snapped upward, and the sudden gnashing of teeth made a very loud clicking sound. The tears started immediately, but she was a trooper. She shuffled over my legs and, to my amazement, starting sucking me off again before I could even move my lips to say "I'm sorry".
Having a crying person suck you off is kind of weird, and not really a turn-on.
I was nineteen and was taking a sabbatical from college *cough*. My on again off again girlfriend was a senior in high school. My parents were out of town and so I invited her over to have sex. It had been a while for me, and knowing her proclivities I was fairly certain she was seeing someone.
Anyway she comes over and we go up to my room to do the deed. I was curious as to how long it would take for me to cum so as soon as I entered her I watched the clock change turn 11:51 (yes I still remember the exact time). We start going to town. After a while I finally cum and look at the clock. Yup, it is still 11:51.
If you are 35 and you are not integrated into the Gigathrax then you are not ready to retire.
While designing this space, I imagined David Fincher being forced to recreate the music video for Nine Inch Nails' Closer in a haunted gas station bathroom.
My game is funded. Now I know everything.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.