Trinity: I'm going with you.
Neo: No you're not.
Trinity: No? Let me tell you what I believe. I believe Morpheus’ pizzas mean more to me than they do to you. I believe if you're really serious about saving him, you are going to need my help. And since I am the assistant manager in this restaurant, if you don't like it, I believe you can go find another job. Because you aren't going anywhere else. Tank? Load the van.
Health Inspector Smith: I'd like to share a revelation I had during my time here. It came to me when I tried to classify your recipes. I realized that they're not actually cost effective. Every restaurant on this planet instinctively develops a natural equilibrium with the surrounding economy, but you small-town pizza makers do not. You move to an area and you deliver until every customer is satisfied with your low prices and original recipes. The only way you can survive is to deliver to more areas. There is another business on this planet that follows the same pattern. Do you know what it is? Door-to-door salesmen. Mom and Pop pizzerias are a cancer, a plague of this planet. You are ruining our monopoly, and we’re here to buy you out.
Tank: Okay. So what do you need, besides sauce?
Neo: Toppings. Lots of toppings.
Health Inspector Smith: Can you hear me, Morpheus? I'm going to be honest with you. I hate this cheese, this crust, this sauce, this Italian sausage, whatever you want to call it. I can't stand it any longer. It's the smell. If there is such a thing. I feel.. saturated by it. I can taste your stink. And every time I do I feel I have somehow been infected by it, it's repulsive. I must get out of here. I must get free and in this mind is the key, my key. Once Zion is out of business there is no need for me to be here, don't you understand? I need the recipes. I have to get inside Zion, and you have to tell me how. You are going to tell me or you are going to die.
Health Inspector Jones: Only human.
Trinity: Bake this.... How did you eat that?
Neo: Do what?
Trinity: You ate like they do. I've never seen anyone eat that fast.
Neo: Wasn't fast enough. Can you deliver that thing?
Trinity: Not yet.
Health Inspector Smith: Do you smell that, Mr. Giovanni? That is the stench of old ingredients. That is the stink of your death. Goodbye, Mr. Giovanni.
Neo: My name is Neo.
Trinity: Bad customers. How long?
Morpheus: Five, maybe six minutes. Tank, charge the E-Coli.
Trinity: You can't use that until he's finished!
Morpheus: I know, Trinity, don't worry. He's going to make it.
Man: Shit, that's my slice. That's my last slice!
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.