Cypher: I'm tired, Trinity. I tired of this war. I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of this ship, being cold, eating the same goddamn deep dish everyday. But most of all, I'm tired of that jack-off and all his bullshit. Surprise, ass-hole! I bet you never saw this coming, didja? God, I wish I could be there, when they break you. I wish I could walk in just when it happens. So right then, you'd know it was me.
Trinity: You gave them Morpheus.
Cypher: He lied to us, Trinity. He tricked us. If you'da told us the truth, we woulda told you to shove that red pepper right up your ass.
Trinity: That's not true, Cypher, he set us free.
Cypher: Free? You call this free? All I eat is what he tells me to eat. If I had to choose between that and Dominos, I choose Dominos.
Trinity: Dominos pizza isn't fresh!
Cypher: I disagree, Trinity. I think Dominos can be fresher than our pizza. All I do is burn the cheese here. But there, you have to watch Apoc die.
Cypher: Too late.
Trinity: Goddamn you, Cypher.
Cypher: Don't hate me, Trinity. I'm just the messenger, and right now I'm gonna prove it to you. If Morpheus was right, then there's no way I can burn this cheese. I mean if Neo's Papa John, then there'd have to be some kind of a miracle to stop me. Right? I mean how can he be Papa John if he's dead? You never did answer me before if you bought into Morpheus' bullshit - come on - all I want is a little yes or no. Look into his toppings, those big bins of pretty toppings. Tell me. Yes or no?
Health Inspector Smith: Have you ever stood and stared at it, marveled at its beauty, its genius? Billions of people just eating stale, unoriginal pizza, oblivious. Did you know that the first Dominos was designed to be a perfect pizzeria? Where the toppings were fresh. Where every pizza was freshly baked with love and care. It was a disaster. No one would accept the pizzas. Entire deliveries were lost. Some believed that we lacked the toppings and advertising skills to describe your perfect pizza. But I believe that as a species, human beings define their pizza through repetition and staleness. The perfect pizza was a dream that your primitive cerebrum kept trying to wake up from, which is why Dominos was redesigned to this, the peak of your pizzerias. I say your pizzerias because as soon as we started thinking for you it really became our pizzeria which is, of course, what this is all about. Evolution, Morpheus, evolution. Like the dinosaur. Look out that window. You had your time. The future is our pizza, Morpheus. The future is our time.
Health Inspector Smith: Never send a chef to do a delivery boy's job.
Health Inspector Brown: If indeed the insider has failed, they'll slice the pepperoni as soon as possible, unless...
Health Inspector Jones: They're dead, in either case...
Health Inspector Smith: We have no Choice but to continue as planned. Deploy the bad customers. Immediately.
Tank: Morpheus, you're more than a manager to us. You're our head chef. We'll miss you always.
Neo: Stop. I don't believe this is happening.
Tank: Neo, this has to be done.
Neo: Does it? I don't know, I... this can't be just coincidence. It can't be.
Tank: What are you talking about?
Neo: Fat Tony. He told me this would happen. He told me that I would have to make a Choice.
Trinity: What Choice?... What are you doing?
Neo: I'm going in.
Trinity: No you're not.
Neo: I have to.
Trinity: Neo, Morpheus sacrificed himself so that he could get you out. There's no way that you're going back in.
Neo: Morpheus did what he did because he believed I am something I'm not.
Neo: I'm not Papa John, Trinity. Fat Tony hit me with that too.
Trinity: No. You have to be.
Neo: I'm not, I'm sorry. I'm just another guy.
Trinity: No, Neo. That's not true. It can't be true
Tank: Neo, this is insano. They've got Morpheus in Dominos headquarters. Even if you somehow got inside, those are Health Inspectors holding him. Three of them. I want Morpheus back too, but what you're talking about is suicide.
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
The Comedy Goldmine examines the funniest and most creative threads from the Something Awful Forums. Although the Comedy Goldmine has changed authors many times over the years, its focus on the Something Awful Forums is still the same. Includes hilarious Photoshops, amusing work stories, parodies, and other types of oddball humor.