The Flaskfucker And The Fruit Hat
The forums have very few rules, but chief among them are:
A friendly reminder: Don't promote your terrible band, hawk your terrible wares, pander for worthless votes or inquiry goons for your surveys unless you have moderator permission first.
We (the mods) probably won't let you post a thread about it either unless it's incredibly interesting, funny, engaging or profitable for the Something Awful audience.
These sorts of rules exist to keep the forums from being overrun with the unfunny dregs of humanity and 4chan. But soon people began to ignore them. So, in an effort to revamp and reenergize the system, forums moderator AYBraham introduced the concept of the Moderator Challenge.
Moderator challenges are handed out to Goons who break rules, usually threads with low content ie, "first post," "hello, I'm new here," etc, or pandering goons into checking out their blog or voting for them on some site.
Rule breakers are given the chance of avoiding a ban/probation and redeeming a otherwise shitty thread by completing 1 of 3 (or all of 3) challeges relating in some way to the thread topic, however the third challenge always involves the OP getting naked. If none of the challenges are met the OP is banned. If the OP wins they get to change the avatars of 3 posters in the thread to whatever they want.
Fellow Goons are invited to take up the challenges and win the right to ban, probate or let the OP off, but face banning themselves if their efforts are lackluster.
In this week's Comedy Goldmine, a terrible thread produces the most beautiful Moderator Challenge that the forums have ever seen. The master becomes the student, flasks are fucked, and fruit baskets are munched in this most terrific of tales. Enjoy!
FAIR WARNING: EVERYTHING PAST THIS PAGE IS PROBABLY NSFW (UNLESS YOU WORK AT A FLASK FUCKING FACTORY) (IN WHICH CASE ARE YOU HIRING???)
So for my sociology class, I need to know if you're an asshole. I know the internet gives people anonymity, and thus confidence, but what I want to know is if everyone becomes a jerk because this, or if you are just a dick all the time.
Are you a dick because of the internet? SCIENCE NEEDS TO KNOW.
Salutations, Pfiffer! Because you decided to ask for help with your homework like an illiterate community college student, you are now the next victim of the Moderator Challenge!
You have 72 hours to complete one of the following:
1) Phiffer more like Michelle Pfeiffer
For this challenge, you will need to illustrate, sculpt, compose or write an Epic Love Song for Michelle Pfeiffer. Before you go about writing some shitty haiku or limerick about banging the teacher of Dangerous Minds, let's go over the definition of epic:
Epic: very imposing or impressive; surpassing the ordinary (especially in size or scale); "an epic voyage"; "of heroic proportions"; "heroic sculpture".
So, for this challenge you may
- Write an Epic Love Poem
- Draw an elaborate web comic
- Paint an impressive portrait
- Compose & Sing a beautiful love song
If your entry sucks, you will be banned or probated. If your entry is awesome, you might even be rewarded. You only get one entry, so make it count.
For this challenge, you are required to dress up and post a picture of your best ROWSDOWER! impersonation. I understand it has absolutely nothing to do with the thread, but I am Mad With Power and I'd like to see some Rowsdower imitations.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lRTbW98v8ys - A Brief History of Rowsdower
Do not fuck this one up - if you don't have a mullet, a mustache, a Canadian Tuxedo and look comfortable in a pile of random garbage, then don't bother posting or else you will be banned. Bonus points if you manage to show off the tattoo, alcoholism and other Last Sacrifice cult members in the shot.
3) The Internet Wants To Know About Your Dick For Science
For this challenge, you are going to have sex with an Erlenmeyer Flask, and then post a Lab Report of how effective it was for pleasuring yourself, and document the experiment with photographs & a write up.
Now let's be absolutely clear: no one here wants to see your junk in an Erlenmeyer Flask. The experiment must remain work-safe at all times, so as not to compromise the validity of your field work. Again - you have to manage to Fuck A Flask but keep it professional and PG-13. You also must keep exact measurements (metric only), and follow the following steps:
Experiment (with a control group and a experimental group)
Failure to do so will be in a ban. I sincerely doubt anyone will do this challenge, but I am morbidly curious if GBS will actually commit to such an atrocious act.
Phiffer: If you do not successfully complete a challenge, you will be banned. If you do a half-assed attempt at this challenge, you will be banned. However, if you successfully complete the challenge, you may give any poster in this thread after this post your choice of an avatar.
However, you will be competing with GBS! If anyone else successfully completes a challenge before you do, they may decide your fate! However, if another Goon does a shitty entry, it will backfire and they will be punished!
Normal GBS rules apply, especially the ones about threadshitting, trolling, attention whoring and being creepy. Good luck!
abraham: if a goon actually fucks a flask for this challenge ill eat my hat
You heard him, folks-- in an IM with me, he said he'd eat his hat if a goon fucked a flask. Get going, people. Abe has just been COUNTERCHALLENGED.
I will say that I honestly don't think it's possible to complete this challenge while remaining true to all the variables (HAS TO BE A ERLENMEYER FLASK; IF I WANTED A GOON TO FUCK A BONG I'D MOD TCC), but goons have until Friday Morning to prove me wrong.
I'll leave the thread open just in case anyone else wants to participate, just for the sake of participating & not doing challenge #3, for love of god don't do challenge #3. Maybe I'll give out prizes, who knows!
I'm not eating a goddamn hat unless a goon fulfills every part of the task. Rest assured though, if for some disgusting and terrible reason this actually happens, I will eat my goddamn hat. I promise it will be an entire hat, as in an actual headcovering that can be worn outside and be seen in public with, and not some gimmick Cookie Hat. It probably will happen on Monday if this occurs, but I promise I won't halfass my challenge as long as GBS doesn't halfass their challenge.
But again, you really shouldn't fuck a glass flask for the Internet. You don't want to be known for the rest of your life as The Flask Fucker.