Steve: More epic equals bigger than.
Zack: Allllright, you're up against a tarantula the size of an asteroid. Let me just roll up its 33,000 hit dice.
Steve: Yeah, uh, some of these stats seem like he just got obsessed with exponential numbers or something and went to town without considering the reality of them.
Zack: Okay, the tarantula rolls to hit you...and...I rolled a 19 and subtract...8,192...I....
Steve: Well he would be crazy strong so the tarantula would have all sorts of bonuses so I bet you could figure out a way to cancel them out.
Zack: Hang on. The chart is ridiculous, but can we take a second to talk about the font used for all the section headers:
Steve: It's an epic font.
Zack: Hey, Craig Cochrane: burn in hell. This is the worst font I have ever seen and I have seen a font made out of ninjas and one made out of weed leaves. This is some font bullshit.
Steve: It is a little hard to read.
Zack: Oh, you think? I literally cannot read the names of some of these monsters. They have dumb gibberish names to begin with, did he need to encode them in his doubled-up garbage font?
Steve: Maybe it's like saying that at a certain level you are omnipotent so you can read anything.Zack: I would rather see this whole book printed in Comic Sans.
Steve: Now, hold on, let's not be hyperbolic here.
Zack: Alright, well let's have "Ia GiLiaNCE IaT ThIE KOSMOS" according to Harry Helvetica:
Steve: I get it. It's like, the dark matter dimension or something.
Zack: Don't be nice. Craig doesn't deserve it. He took the cosmology of D&D, which is already stupidly complicated, and rearranged everything to his personal liking, adding in extra dimensions, a bunch of jargon, and all sorts of bullshit with the coherence of a steam-of-consciousness Aeon Flux fanfiction.
Steve: It's called "creativity."
Zack: No, it's called a headache, and everything this guy is doing is giving it to me.
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Not what I had in mind when I ordered an Italian gondolier. This is literally just a tiny toy. Needless to say, the Italian businessmen were not impressed and I looked like a damn fool. We lost the pizza pie account and will have to lay off half our factory.
Time to applaud the man who applauds in a loop until the end of time.
Zack Parsons, Steve "Malak" Sumner, and friends tackle bizarre role playing game products that make them wonder, "What the fuck!?" From the early days of Gygax to contemporary role playing games, none will be spared.