|You've got a message! (3 of 5)|
Bad news, Adverse Interests, LLC. Your Nion, David Fauxie, has died in the field. Please review the asset profile and make the arrangements that apply.
"Smells like burning rubber and diaper rash cream. I caught him eating out of my trash in the kitchen and when he saw me he started crying. Completely useless."
"He looks sort of like Bowie from across a room, but up close he looks more like someone stretched out a pug's face and gave him reptile eyes. Did I mention the smell? It was like olive oil and hair burning on a hot light bulb."
AKA: Roger Lowenstein, Space Abnormality, Randy Stardust, Captain Ben
Customer Score: 27% (rate)
Availability: Currently Unavailable!
Capabilities: Fear of Armenians, Mo-mo-mo-modifications, mistaken identity, doppleganging.
Equipment: Often accompanied by The Spiders from Marshall, Arizona, a three-man band trained in hand-to-hand combat. A sequined gold lamet bodysuit with a picture of a unicorn and a rocket on the back, several hundred tactical scarves, a detachable soul patch.
Special Training/Notes: Please note that Roger can impersonate Bowie from any period, but he can only perform believable covers of Bowie's late-career work. From Tin Machine on. If you want an evil David Bowie impersonator who covers his early career we suggest Matt from Spitting Image & Mayhem or Cracked Mirror's Black Bowie if you don't mind a black metal version of Bowie.
|Circumstance of Contract Liquidation:|
A Rainbow-8 Jaguar drone fired a missile and the resulting explosion overturned the escaping Adverse Interests Winnebago Mobile Lair. Upper management was able to escape in the ejector pods, but the driver, co-driver, mysterious woman in the bathroom too much, and David Fauxie, were killed in the fire. Fauxie had just completed his final Roadshow performance at Caesar's Palace when the Rainbow-8(more)
Emma Stone was the most paranoid person I had ever met. In private she wore a full suit of medieval armor at all times, visor down.
Welcome to Gamer Hell, where those who committed sins in online games must pay for their crimes against noobs for eternity.
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.