This article is part of the Busytown Police Blotter series.
December 24, 2007
Mr. Frumple was taken to the hospital with severe burns following an electrical accident. Davy Dog noted a distinct odor of bacon while retrieving his morning paper, which he followed to the roof of a neighboring house. There he discovered Mr. Frumple, tangled up in badly damaged Christmas lighting cables, being electrocuted. Mr. Frumple was apparently trying to recover his hat, which had blown off his head in a swift breeze and landed on the roof of the house.
An officer attempting to arrest Bananas Gorilla was injured when he slipped on a banana peel. The officer was taken to Busytown Memorial Hospital, where he was treated with several band-aids and then released.
The Cat Family reported that Grandma Cat had failed to return after going out for a drive. Grandma Cat, visiting from a faraway town accessible only by plane, is not familiar with Busytown and possibly lost. She was last seen driving a large alligator. Officers and residents are advised to be on the lookout.
Police received an anonymous tip that a Busytown resident was planning an attack on a local church. Officers uncovered numerous Internet postings by Harry Pig, son of Father Pig, an unemployed house painter. The postings detailed Harry's plan to take multiple weapons to the Best Faith Ever megachurch and open fire on churchgoers. Harry Pig surrendered himself when officers went to the Pig residence to confront him. Numerous handguns and improvised explosives were recovered from the property.
Officers responded to reports of a break-in at Mr. Gronkle's house. Upon arrival, officers noted nothing unusual and no signs of break-in. Mr. Gronkle, unharmed, complained that a "gang of drug-addled hoodlums" attempted to force entry into his premises. Officers observed a group of Christmas carolers in the neighborhood. When questioned, the carolers stated that Mr. Gronkle yelled at them when they tried to visit his house and sing for him. Mr. Gronkle denied this, and then demanded to file a noise complaint against the youngsters for singing too loudly. As the officers started to leave, he begged them to stay, indicating that he had no friends. Officers then stayed with Mr. Gronkle for one half hour, exchanging presents, drinking cocoa, eating cookies, and enjoying the holiday.
December 25, 2007
Police and EMTs responded to a report than a grumpy old man was having a heart attack. Officers responding to the report found that Mr. Gronkle had suffered a stroke while yelling at a group of children skating on his pond, which had frozen. One of the youngsters called 911 on a cell phone. Mr. Gronkle was revived at the scene, and requested to press charges against the EMTs for "manhandling him."
Bananas Gorilla was found and arrested at Scotty Dog's service station. Scotty Dog stated that Bananas had asked him for a job, indicating that he needed to earn $4.25. Scotty Dog, in need of an extra hand for the holidays, agreed to hire him for the day. Scotty Dog claimed to be unaware that Bananas was wanted by police for shoplifting, but that he was a terrible employee and made a real mess of the garage.
Grandma Cat's alligator car was found in a ditch off of South Swamp Dr. The vehicle had been abandoned with no indication what happened to the driver. Police began combing the swamp with the help of several hogs and crocodiles living in the neighborhood.
The Baby Jesus was recovered unharmed in the sewers beneath Pancake St. by Hans the Dutch Plumber, who was looking for his wedding ring that fell down a pipe. The statue was promptly given a bath and returned to the manger. In celebration of his amazing find, Mayor Fox awarded Hans the key to the city.
The body of Grandma Cat was recovered in Farmer Alfalfa's field, where it was being eaten by a gaggle of small mice. Officers shoed the mice away, and the body was transported to the Busytown Morgue for autopsy. Police are asking for any information regarding the death of Grandma Cat.
Officers responded to a domestic dispute call in the 1200 block of Pancake St. Neighbors complained of screams and loud noises emanating from the apartment of Hans the Dutch Plumber. Officers arrived on the scene to find Hans had been assaulted by his wife with the key to the city following an earlier incident where he lost his wedding ring. Hans was rushed to Busytown Memorial Hospital where doctors successfully repaired the damage to his colon. Hans' wife was taken into custody, though she denied any fault in the incident.
Sleeping with AC is at this point a basic human right. But if you're one of the doomed souls forced to deal with global warming on a nightly basis, here's an hourly breakdown on how to get the most out of your inferno hellscape of a bedroom.
Some of the Internet's most veteran anatomy experts convened to discuss the stolen nude photos of Jennifer Lawrence and other beautiful celebrities.
We're spelunking through the movie catacombs this week. Join us, won't you?
The Something Awful front page news tackles anything both off and on the Internet. Mostly "on" though, as we're all incredible nerds.
Your tax dollars at work! Keep up-to-date with Busytown's police and fire departments as they protect and serve their bustling community.