I think the problem is that these people cannot find anyone to have sex with them and find themselves too repulsive to masturbate themselves.

I'll bet you a hundred bucks this guy was raised by a single mother.

Potential partners I can understand. But why do your co-workers have to know? Christ, shut the fuck up about your sexual orientation no matter what it is.

Fine! I'll write you up an entry for the website.

Asexuals: People who abstain from sex because they are either too ugly, too emotionally unstable, or too molested by their parents.

What a catch!

Ewww, bodily fluids!

The fuck?


Hey go for it. It'll raise the average size for the rest of us.


More The Weekend Web

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Lair Flair!

    Lair Flair!

    Your lair. Maybe you lure victims to it, maybe you hide in it between killings, or maybe you haunt it 24/7 because you’re tragically confined by a curse. Whatever the situation, for most of us monsters, a living/un-living space is an important part of our identities. In this column, Monstergeddon award winners share their lair tips and techniques!

  • SkyMall Product Review: Bark Deterring Ultrasonic Collar

    SkyMall Product Review: Bark Deterring Ultrasonic Collar

    Works great on my child, who hasn't barked at all for as long as she's worn the apparatus. When she turns three, we will remove it for a trial period.

About This Column

There are hundreds of stories happening on the World Wide Web. Let me tell you, that's a very wide web. Our goal at Weekend Web is to bring you the latest headlines from around the Internet. We go into the very bowels of message boards everywhere and find out what millions of online citizens have to say.

Previous Articles

Suggested Articles

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.