Everything I need to know I learned from Star Trek.

Alert the moodia, it's a cowspiracy!

I'd sell my soul for an ice cream sandwich right about now.

I haven't gotten that ice cream sandwich yet.

If we're going to worship a Lawrence Fishburne project let's at least make it Pee Wee's Playhouse.

There used to be a homeless guy around here nicknamed "Wolfman" but he died from smoking in bed and not from battling sea life on the astral plane.

More The Weekend Web

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.

  • BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.