The virus that causes AIDS naturally occurs in the homosexual blood stream. You can catch HIV by looking at, touching, or otherwise thinking about gay people.

I personally like to try a lot of different types of semen before I commit to just one brand. I'll take a sip and swish it around in my mouth, like a wine connoisseur. I'd found that Asians rich with a diet of rice and soy have liter for liter the best tasting sperm on the market.

THE ROTATING TESTICLE OF DOOM WILL DEVOUR US ALL!

I'm gonna piss on you.

A note to all the men out there: women don't like anal sex. No matter how much you want to believe those sluts in the pornos you jerk off to love it, they are just pretending. Men have this thing called a prostate which for some reason or another makes anal stimulation feel incredible. Women don't have this. The more you know...

No words, folks. No words.

It doesn't taste bad unless the woman doesn't shower. Just don't get that stuff in your eye. I learned the hard way.

Okay. Here's what you do. Unplug the computer. Kill yourself. Hurry before it's too late!

Oh webmaster you're so crazy!

More The Weekend Web

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Meditations from a Movable Weiner

    Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.

  • BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    BarkWire.com Dog Reviews: The Barquis de Sade & Cleaver

    Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.