Sorry, but if looking at a playing card makes you happy, you're not magical, you're just dense.

I usually say I'm part cobra. It's useful becuase if you're ever about to get into a fight with a guy you can say, "I'm part fucking cobra!" and put your palms up on the sides of your neck and flap 'em around and make that "tttfttftftftftf" tongue sound the guy makes in Silence of the Lambs and it should freak the other guy out. In theory.

Ladies, no one's stopping you.

Looks like someone got an iguana for their birthday!

I read this like four times and I still can't figure most of these out. They say a lot but at the same time they're meaningless. Kind of like those nonsense corporate buzzwords you hear all the time, except these are from unemployable people.

More The Weekend Web

This Week on Something Awful...

  • Advanced Level Sexy Catcalls

    Advanced Level Sexy Catcalls

    Hows about you, me, and five uncomfortable minutes in my basement apartment next to the dusty Christmas tree that's still up from my last visit with my estranged children.

  • Zagat's Guide to Poor Person Eating

    Zagat's Guide to Poor Person Eating

    The Upper Kitchen Cabinet Where Your Roommate Keeps His Food: You’ll 'need the footstool' to reach your roommate’s 'fine selection' of 'stale cereal,' but he'll never notice if 'only a little is missing from each box.' Feel less guilty by reminding yourself that Jeff 'acts weird around your girlfriend,' and always 'asks about her.' What a 'creep.'

Copyright ©2015 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.