Forget Thanksgiving, that's already fading into the rear view. It's time to focus on the one thing that matters: Black Friday bargains. Every November 23rd, everybody spends all of the money. It can be overwhelming, but there is a certain group who knows how to handle the chaos: mom bloggers. These women are the ultimate source for tips to help you ensure you are getting the most for your part of all of the money. We have asked them to not only provide us with door-busting tips, but share their own secrets for "winning" Black Friday.
1. Make a definitive list of what you want to buy and stick to that list. There will be other deals once you're in the store, but you need to stay focused.
2. Get there early. Give yourself at least a few hours head start before opening. You want to be as close to the front of the line as possible. Do things you didn't think you were capable of to get to that front.
3. Dress warmly and bring something to keep yourself occupied when you get in line.
4. Scope out the competition. Look for children and the elderly. They are the easiest to bring down with your bare hands.
5. Distractions, when carefully timed, can give you the edge over rivals. Release wild animals into the store. Fill a sack with broken glass and scream, "My baby!" while throwing the sack up in the air. If anyone is foolish enough to catch the sack they will be incapacitated.
6. Psyche yourself up in the mirror by reminding yourself that nobody wants this as much as you. Draw war paint on your face.
7. Don't be afraid to slash at the face or genitals. You need to commit yourself to harming someone as much as possible. If you need to, practice on animals ahead of time to get over the natural human aversion to trying to gouge out someone's eyes.
8. Biting is definitely a must this year. Know that others will attempt to bite you, so wear toughened leather gloves or chain shark gauntlets. You have to bite smart. Human teeth can bite through a finger by severing the bones at the knuckles, but cannot bite through the bone. Be careful about cracking or chipping teeth on larger bones as well.
9. Guns will only escalate the situation. Try an improvised slashing or stabbing weapon. A homemade Freddy Kreuger glove works great.
10. Get the kill, get the deal. They're watching you on the security cameras. The audience demands blood.
11. With all other avenues cut off, this blood-spurting frenzy of mob shopping is your last remaining path to the American Dream. It's your one opportunity to better your family for future generations. Get that Android tablet so that a hundred years from now your ancestors will remember what you did for them.
The greatest weapon you can arm yourself with in the battle for bargains is knowledge. Failing that, a baseball bat does pretty well.
It needs to consume human tissue! It needs to speak to your manager!
Scourgelord Vilius Mandragore gave a speech from our shattered capital on Friday and we are here to fact check his claims about his million year empire.
Reason 9: Ongoing mechanical issues with the internal Superman 64 fog machine.
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